Lucky Thirteen and Counting

Eleven years ago I got a call from an adoption agency about a newborn that needed a family. This wasn’t a newborn I was looking for.  I had been trying to find a black baby to add to our family so Ty wouldn’t be the only raisin in the bowl of rice pudding.  This baby that they were calling about was a full term white baby.  I didn’t think I needed one of those.  I could have those myself, and there were plenty of other people that would only adopt white babies.  Why on earth were they calling me? 

This little man was born to a mommy that had made an adoption plan half way through her pregnancy.  She selected a set of adoptive parents that she loved and trusted to raise her son. But, on the day of his birth, things did not go as planned. 

This is Jayden’s story, and even though it’s been a rough road, I am honored to be a part of it….

Jayden was 7 lbs 11 ounces at birth. Healthy sized, but too BIG for the little girl that tried to have him.   JayJay got stuck in the birth canal and went without oxygen for over 4 minutes. When he was finally born, he had no pulse.  They revived him, but his apgars reflected the trouble.  0 and 3.  Those are the lowest apgar scores I have ever heard of. 

He suffered a cranial bleed and was given a very grim prognosis.  His would-be adoptive parents packed up their belongings and left the hospital, never to be heard from again. 

Now, you know why they called me. 

I arrived in Indiana 10 days later and picked him up. He was gorgeous.  I had the opportunity to meet his birth mom.  She was quiet, gracious and beautiful. 

As I was ready to board the plane, she hugged and kissed Jayden and handed him to me. It wasn’t a tearful good-bye for her, but I cried.

She stopped me as I was walking away.

“Sandi, do you have a McDonalds where you live?”

“Yes of course.”

“Oh good.  Is there one with a playland?”

“Yes, we have two. Both have a playland.”

She lit up and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, and said, “Will you make sure he gets to go there?”

I hugged her and cried and promised her I would take him often.  I walked on to the plane to fly back home with my newest son.  I cried all the way.  What an incredible sacrifice she had made for her child.  What an emotional rollercoaster she must have been on, and to make it even harder, had horrible complications, had to find and trust new adoptive parents and still say good-bye to her baby.  I love birth moms. I can’t say it enough. They are the strongest, selfless most loving women I have ever met! 

I think back to our conversation and marvel at how important playland was to her.  Growing up in Podunk Indiana, in a one stoplight town without a McDonalds, she felt like she was giving her baby the world, because we had two McDonalds, and they both had playlands. She would be very happy to know how often Jayden gets to visit McDonalds. 

 

Fast forward eleven years-

Jayden has had a hard life.  He appears totally normal and healthy.  But what happens on the inside, in his brain, is not.  He deals with significant learning delays and emotional problems. He can’t cope with attention.  He would be very happy being invisible.  That is difficult to do in this family and in his classroom.  He has anger issues and oppositional defiant disorder.  He has trouble with authority.  Whether it’s a nanny, or a bus driver, or anyone for that matter, he can’t take it. He doesn’t want to be TOLD to do anything.  This causes problems. 

When we are at the dentist and she says, “I need you to do a better job brushing,”  I sit there and hold my breath and wait for the explosion to occur, or for him to shut down completely. Same with sports, he has an amazing athletic ability, but a coach on the sidelines, yelling at the team to get ready, or get in position, is too much for Jayden to handle.   If I ask him if his homework is done, I might as well be asking him to throw the computer off the desk and punch the nearest sibling while you run to your room. And please slam the door so hard you bust the frame.  Please?  Thank you.

This has made parenting Jayden very difficult.  He is not easy.  I have had a tougher time bonding with Jayden than any other child I have.  I love him. No question about that.   Liking him is often the hardest part.  Because he wants be invisible, he doesn’t come to me with anything, or for anything.  He wants to do everything on his own, and pushes the hard to deal with stuff deep inside. And he is hard, he has ‘very hard to deal with’ behavior problems.

We have tried everything with JayJay, from counseling, to medication, to special schools for emotional/behavior problems.  But he wants to be like every other eleven-year-old kid, he doesn’t want special treatment, or too much attention.  During counseling he didn’t say a word. He processes things slowly, if at all.  The meds turned him into a zombie.  I would rather have naughty behaviors in my kid, than a zombie in the house that looks like my kid.  We have seen improvement with his behaviors since we moved here, I am not sure if it’s his age, if he is becoming more mature, or if having me home makes a difference.  But his fits of rage are becoming fewer and farther between. 

Jayden swings far and wide on the emotional spectrum.  You never know which Jayden is climbing out of bed in the morning. Most days, it’s the sweet one. He loves school. He loves his teacher. He loves me. He loves being my helper.  He LOVES the babies.  He is THE PERFECT CHILD when he can be.  I think he is the happiest, being this way.  But when he is not this way, it is no fault of his.  Jayden has special needs.  He may not look it; he may not always act it.  But you cannot take away his brain injury at birth.  We can’t undo it. We can’t fix it.  We can just love Jayden unconditionally and give him the tools he will need to survive in this world.  It’s been a ride, this past eleven years.  It. Has. Been. A. Ride.  But, even on the worst of days, when he hates my guts, and hates this family, and can’t cope with a simple question like, “did you eat breakfast?” I still love him more than life. I can’t imagine life without JayJay in it.  He is an integral part of this family and a child I love with all my heart. 

Happy Birthday Jay-dawg! 

Now, I am off to buy Jamba Juice for his class and, without making a scene or drawing attention to him, I am going to sneak in and disperse them.  After school Brandon and I will take Jayden birthday shopping.  He can buy what he wants. Then we go to dinner. He has picked Olive Garden.  I am praying for a good day!