I’ve been trying to write this post for over a week and I’ve yet to find the words. I have been agonizing over this. I want to share, but I have been struggling to find my voice in it all. Let me rephrase that, I have a voice, I just want you to hear it the way I’m intending you to. That’s what I am struggling with.
If you have been reading me for awhile you know this stuff, but for my new readers I will share again. We know we aren’t done having babies. We have gone back and forth on IVF vs another adoption. When we took the nursery down and moved Ellie into the girls room, I was sick. I knew I couldn’t give the cradle away just yet, but I didn’t have a strong feeling that a baby was right around the corner either. I also had NO idea how the next one was going to arrive.
I am a huge fan of adoption, but I have longed, for so long, to carry another baby. I also wanted to have a bio baby with Brandon. There is a closeness and connection that comes from creating a child with another person that can’t be duplicated. For those reasons, IVF has been my first choice. Brandon however feels completely different than I do. He hates watching me go through hell and ending up with nothing. I also think living with someone on that many hormones may be HELL. I’m not sure. I personally think I am a gem all of the time.
We have had LONG and DEEP discussions and maybe an argument or two about it, but we have never been able to find ourselves on the same planet at the same time. It’s been emotional hell letting go of the dream and there are times I still find it lingering in my heart. I find myself hoping and wishing that I could just get pregnant and carry a baby to term like the rest of the world, but I am trying to let it go. I am trying to move on from my fertile youth and stop looking back. I will be thirty eight in October. I need to hang up the maternity clothes and put away the "conceive" magazines and move on. I have failed at IVF twice. I will never again carry a baby.
These last few months Brandon and I have been toying with the thought that Ellie Brooke may be the caboose. These kids have been kicking our butts. We are getting old and tired, and because I have wanted a homegrown child and he felt better about continuing on the adoption path, it seemed easier to just be done. Besides that, Ellie is the best baby we have ever had. She is a delight and perfect ending note to this amazing family.
I have always known when another is coming and though I haven’t felt DONE, I haven’t felt like washing newborn onesie’s in dreft either. That’s always a telling sign.
DEEP BREATH
On July 15th, Dee called me. Dee is one of my best friends in the entire world and also the adoption agency director of Heart and Soul Adoptions. That is the agency we adopted both Parker and Ellie through. She called to tell me how much she enjoyed reading my drama with my mother the previous night. Because Dee and I have been friends since we were 16 years old, she is more familiar with the battle’s involving my mom than anyone else. She laughed her butt off at the texts my mom sent and offered condolences for being born to dysfunctional parents.
We spent about 30 minutes discussing my issues, my ex, and other family idiots and when I felt like I had taken way too much of her precious time, I told her I would let her go and thanked her for the call. That’s when she dropped the bomb on me.
Dee said, "I was actually calling to tell you that Ellie’s birth mom is expecting again."
Me- "WHAT? How did that happen?"
Dee- "umm, she had sex."
Me- "Well, I know she had sex, but I thought she had her tubes tied when Ellie was born."
Dee- "Apparently not."
…and after that, I am not sure what the conversation was. I think I said, "Of course we want the baby, it’s a biological sibling of our daughter." I may have screamed with joy, or groaned in stress. I think I asked for details like due date and gender, but I honestly don’t know. I have been all over the place emotionally since that little phone call.
and that’s about where I still am. ALL OVER THE PLACE!!
I should be thrilled and elated and overflowing with joy.
But I’m not there yet.
Instead, I am questioning my sanity, my ability, and my emotional state.
I am questioning the space, the bank account, and the job security.
I am questioning my stamina, my judgement, and my overall mothering.
Can I do another one this soon? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Are there right reasons? Will little ones be lost in the shuffle, will I be able to provide myself fully to each and every person in this house? Should I start drinking agin?
I laid in bed last night, fighting the tears and wondered if I was a good enough mom to do one more. I have felt this way twice before. Once was before Dalin joined our family and once before Brylee joined. Looking back, I know why I was stressed. I had multiple little ones under two. That’s a lot of work for anybody. But from the moment those little people arrived in my house, I never had a second thought. I have NEVER once thought that I shouldn’t have adopted those kids, or adopted them when I did. They are my children and though they didn’t come on my schedule, or within my time frame, they came when they were supposed to. There have been times in their lives and in mine that mothering the masses hasn’t been fun, easy, or convenient. But I don’t know a mother alive that feels any different, whether they are parenting one or fifteen.
Now, so I don’t lose this baby before I even get it, let me assure all of you that I am doing this. I know this child belongs in our family and I know I will rise to the occasion. But I feel much like a woman feels when they are surprised by a pregnancy. I am still in shock. I have yet to wrap my mind around the logistics. I knew we weren’t done, but I thought we would do this in a year or two. I have done three under two twice before. It can be done. In fact, they are my favorite groups to raise. But I think I was younger back then, and I didn’t have a marriage that I cared about. I also lived in Utah and in Utah, I have a village.
I may be writing this to convince myself that timing isn’t something I can control, or get to control. I may be writing this just to see how many of you think you I’ve gone off the deep end, or I may be just trying to sort out my head. Whatever the reason, I think It’s important to document the feelings surrounding the arrival of number fifteen. YES people, that’s one five.
So, with baited breath, I am announcing that we are expecting in October. October 16th to be exact. We have asked that the gender be kept a secret. I love the surprise and I haven’t had one since my bio babies.
I am beginning the homestudy process today. We have physicals to be done, FBI background screening, letters of reference to be collected, income to prove, DMV records to be requested and shared and multiple odds and ends that both the state of California and Utah need to have. It’s time consuming and intrusive. But it’s required and I am grateful I have the opportunity to do it.
I am grateful that my adoption agency reads my blog, knows me in real life, and still thinks I am a fit and proper person to raise a child.
I am grateful that Ellie’s Birth Mother requested that the babies be raised in the same home.
I am grateful that I am married to a man that loves children as much as I do.
I am grateful we have the financial ability to adopt.
AND
I am grateful that the Lord knows better than I do if and when I am done.
