I was driving the five today, minding my own business when I started getting pelted in the back of the head by ritz crackers. I feel my anxiety spike and I take in two deep breaths before I adjust my rear view mirror. Our eyes meet and that's all it takes to send him over the edge of reason.
I could write this same story with a different object being thrown, in a different setting, but the characters are always the same… Parker and I.
This boy is tough.
This child is difficult.
He is hard as hell.
In my opinion we have more on our plate than just a two a year old. I think we are dealing with some emotional/mental issues.
It's been thirteen years since Hunter was this age and feel like I am doing him all over again. I have never cried more for a child than for my Hunter….. until I met my Parker.
I spend all day everyday trying to prevent the freak out. Parker runs this house. He runs this family. He runs me ragged. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have done this "two" business so many times. I know what's typical and what is not. Parker is not typical.
I cry just writing it. I will deal with it. I will be fine. The family will be fine. It's Parker I shed the tears for. He is in a constant state of outrage. He wants to control his world and when it's not in order according to him, life becomes unbearable and he makes damn sure we know it.
His fits include throwing things, hitting things, hitting people, biting, running full speed into walls, furniture and people and sobbing for a VERY LONG TIME! He has ZERO self-soothing skills. His coping mechanisms are non-existent. He needs somebody to hold him and love him and soothe him through the meltdown otherwise it escalates and becomes out of control.
I know enough about parenting to understand the "rewarding bad behavior" or the "just giving him attention when he flips" and how that could be looked at from the outside. But if you lived here in this house with me and dealt with this child for any amount of time, you would understand that typical rules and parenting strategies work for typical children, not for Parker.
Today's melt downs include-
Ellie didn't want oreos she wanted goldfish. Parker didn't want her to have goldfish. He wanted her to have oreos.
Parker wanted the yellow bowl not the orange bowl.
Salsa not ketchup.
Ruffles not tortilla chips.
Ellie couldn't sit in Sailor's carseat.
He didn't want long pants he wanted short pants.
Pickle's bus came before Jayden's.
I didn't allow him to go out in the rain.
I wouldn't let him eat my carmex.
He's not allowed to play with poison.
Time for dinner.
no snack, we just ate.
Hunter spoke to him when he didn't want to be spoken to.
We pushed play on the DVD and didn't let it auto start.
There are hundreds of other things, some so ridiculous I can't even remember them. But these meltdowns all resulted in a FIT!
A FIT OF A LIFETIME!
He wears me out. I find myself tiptoeing around him. Always on the lookout. I try being proactive in preventing any issue, but it's the tiniest things that sends him through the roof.
There are times, I am too exhausted to deal with him, and try with all my might to just walk away. It's those times that someone gets hurt. It's usually Ellie. When it was Hunter doing this, Ty was the abused one. It's just so dang hard…..
I love this kid so much. I can feel his frustration. I can sense his outrage. I know him so well and I just want to take away the issues. I want him to have a joyful life not a pissed off frustrated one. Because in between all of this outrage is the greatest little guy in the world. He is fun and happy and hilarious and engaging and full of life and love. Until something snaps.
Hunter has had some incredible therapists in his life. The psychiatrist that works with Hunter now is hands down the most incredible Dr./human being I have ever worked with. When she first started treating Hunter, she told me I needed to send Brandon with Hunter for a few visits because "Hunter and I share a heart." What she meant and explained, was that Hunter and I feed off of each other. If I am up, he is too. If he is down, I come crashing right along with him and vice versa. Hunter has had me wrapped around his little finger from moment one. We share a bond that is so intricately knotted together, that I am not sure where I end and he begins. I tell you all of this only so you understand that Parker and I have become just as wrapped up.
Empathy is to blame. I get upset seeing Hunter upset. He gets upset knowing he has upset me. I feel terrible because I am making him feel badly. ….and it goes on and on and on. Besides the empathy, I think I walk that mental illness line really well. One day, I am sure I have something, the next day, I am sure I am normal. I think my family feels the same way about me and themselves.
Anyway,
Long story short. Parker is dealing with some shit in his little life. He is the only baby I have ever had that bawled all the way home from the hospital. Clearly he didn't like the rental car, or possibly the nurse put him in the left side of the car instead of the right…..
I am going to spend the rest of my life putting his pieces back together so he can and will be as happy as possible. Because I have walked this path before.
Bless his little heart.
