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05 Mar

Attraction epiphany

Posted by Sandi in Brandon, Random, cheating, divorce, first love, sex

Laying in bed the other morning Brandon is rubbing on me and dragging his feet to get up for the day. In an attempt to stall he says, "I love your body. It's so sexy."

"Baby, you love my body and think it's sexy because this is the body you get sex from."

SILENCE

and I snuck out of bed while he was contemplating my deep philosophical brilliance.

Nothing else has been said about it. Honestly, I don't know if he even gave my words a second thought, but I have been second thoughting them for a few days. When thoughts start taking up too much space in my very cluttered brain, the only thing I can do to get rid of them is to write them out.

So lets talk about this. I think I want your take on my thoughts, but first let me give you a few more things to think about.

When I met Brandon, I fell head over heels in love with him. He was a complete and total stranger in more ways than one. HE WAS NOT MY TYPE! I had never been with a guy that wore a tie and worked in an office. I was mystified on more than one occasion at how on earth this happened and where this strange attraction came from.

I was married, for fifteen years, to a guy who could have been my brother, meaning he did the same things that my brothers did all my life. Being with him was comfortable right off the bat. He was my type. He was the only version of "male" that I knew. He was a guys guy. He smelled of exhaust and dirt. He worked construction. He played with snowmobiles and ATV's. He didn't own a pair of dress shoes. He didn't know how to turn on a computer. He was at home in the garage. He was the kind of man I grew up with my entire childhood and the man I spent 15 years married to.

He was my familiar and the type of man I would say I "was" attracted to.

Going from that to the polar opposite is hard to understand.

I went from being attracted to construction workers to being attracted to clean-cut well-mannered men.

Brandon on the side of the road in dockers and loafers…. It was love at first sight. I have never been able to explain it. I couldn't then, I can't now. We both just say that it was meant to be and it was, and still is, bigger than we are. But a funny thing happened after being with Brandon. I started thinking about all these clean cut well mannered men that I had never thought about before. People I would have never even pictured as the opposite sex were occupying my brain. Not that I was having fantasies about being with them, or even wanting to be with them, I was just, for the first time, aware that men in suits and ties, had penises and most likey had sex. *SHOCKING*

So, the original thoughts I had have turned into a long rambling mess, but I think the point of my confession is this, I think you become attracted to the type of person/type of body/ type of personality, that fulfills your sexual needs. If Brandon had been a short little fat man or a huge ripped black man, I think I would find myself attracted to that. I am in love with Brandon and everything he is. That means I love his body, his mind, his heart. I love the entire package and I am attracted to the entire package. He is a geek. I call him my wireless wizard. He can't climb widowmaker on a 250cc or build a house, but he can hook me up wirelessly no matter where I am. And he can make a mean homemade mac and cheese, one that is so good it makes you moan with every bite. And his chocolate chip cookie dough, it's to die for and he can make it in under four minutes. Also, he can convert USD to Naria and metric tons to gallons and barrels in his head. He is brilliant. Best of all, he can breathe on my neck and turn me to goo in mere seconds. He does it for me in every way. I am happy to say that nerds in flip flops are my new "type."

Talk to me. Are you attracted to the "type" of person you are with, or am I smoking crack again and none of this makes any sense?

Because, on the flip side of this equation, I wonder if the majority of people are attracted to exactly the opposite of what they are with. Maybe I am the freak and the norm is to want what you don't have?

Maybe it's 90% emotional and very little physical?

Maybe it has nothing to do with a type- Quiet, smart and sensitive, and more to do with a body- Strong, tall, blonde. Type- Wild, spontaneous and fun. Body- dark, lean, and perfect teeth. Type- rugged, outdoorsman, mama's boy. Body- 5'10 lean but ripped.

Maybe its all how they make you feel and nothing to do with what kind of person they are or what they look like at all.

I think I am having a break through right here and now on my blog! I see the light. This is it. I just discovered a truth about me. First Love paid a lot of attention to me. He cared more than anything about what was going on in my head. If he didn't know what I was thinking, he wouldn't leave until he did. He learned who I was real fast by talking to me for hours. I always thought he should have grown up to be a shrink because he was good at figuring people out and was a fantastic listener.

When I married The Ex, he was the "type" of guy I was comfortable with, but he never cared to psychoanalyze me and I never felt heard or understood. NEVER. After we fell out of love, I stupidly attempted to regain my first love. Looking back, it may have been easier to just see a shrink to feel understood. But, I probably would have fallen in love with the shrink and ended up in the exact same place.

When I met Brandon on the side of the road, he wanted to talk…… and we talked and talked and talked. He wanted to know me, inside and out, and for the first time since I was seventeen years old, I felt like I mattered to somebody. Truly, truly mattered. Shit, no wonder the sex was so amazing.

There you have it. That's the story of why I was attracted to a guy in a tie.

PS- I am aware that this post is all over the place. The stream of conscience blogging is what you get today.

PPS- You are all still welcome and encouraged to share your attraction stories because I would love to be distracted with a little sex today. THANK YOU!

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20 Nov

First love, the affair and more "too much information"

Posted by Sandi in 1989, The ex, first love, the affair

I feel compelled to write today about mistakes that I have made in the past in order to prevent others I care about from making the same ones.

I know I have eluded on this blog to the fact that I cheated in my past marriage. I don’t think I have ever gone into much detail about the actual story. Because this is a public blog, I want to be cautious not to publicly “out” a third party and cause any more damage than I already have.

But reconnecting with old friends this past week, it has been brought to my attention that there is a need for a little education on first loves and why they make it possible to destroy a home.

Anytime high school friends get together the reminiscing starts. We all want to remember the good old days, and some of us wish we could have them back. I have talked with a few friends that have mentioned their desire to reconnect with that first love……..

I had a first love. I spent a good fifteen years wishing I had ended up with him, missing the way he made me feel, hanging on to the memories, recalling over and over the first time he told me I was the one he wanted to spend forever with and remembering how belonging to him felt. It was pure, it was innocent, and it was without restraint. I had more passion for him than for life itself. We had a passionate relationship. We loved that way, and we fought that way. We spent every possible second together and when the days weren’t enough for us, we snuck into each other’s windows at night. We lived that way for almost a year. Seventeen! The age I remember with the most clarity, the age I filled with drama and heartache.

I got pregnant and the innocence ended as quickly as it began. While I felt we could stroll into the sunset together and raise lots of little hockey players, his parents had different plans. He was a good little Mormon boy, one that was expected to serve a mission and marry in the temple. You can’t do that if you have knocked up your girlfriend.

Enter boyfriends hysterical parents. They talked to the Church authorities and they said he could still serve a mission as long as he is living in a different part of the world and where nobody knows about his little screw up back in Utah. His parents shipped the love of my life off to Oregon. I was seventeen, pregnant, and alone. This was not what I had signed up for. This was not what my fairytale had looked like. I carried that baby for seventeen weeks and ended up with another broken heart, a dead fetus, and a D&C. But, I got my boyfriend back just in time to sit with me while I went through it. He was there when I woke up.

I don’t know if I was emotionally mature enough to actually deal with all that had taken place. I loved this guy, I wanted this guy, but I blamed him for the HELL I had just gone through, the loss of a life I had wanted, a baby I had wanted. The passion continued, it just seemed weighted to the negative side more often than the positive. We spent more time fighting and crying than loving and laughing. But the love never went away. He was the one I wanted! He was the one I had created a life with. He was my dream.

He went back to Oregon. I went to Atlanta to work as a nanny. I came home and married another man. I stood there on my wedding day, as all of Bountiful walked through my wedding line, and I waited……..I waited for the love of my life to come through the door and rescue me. He didn’t come. He didn’t stop the wedding, like I had dreamt so many nights he would. He didn’t crash through the door and sweep me into his arms and carry me off to Oregon with him like I had imagined so many times….. He just didn’t come.

Fast-forward fourteen years- I had been thinking about the one that got away for half my lifetime. I was in an unhappy marriage. It was my 14^th wedding anniversary and all I could think about was that night he didn’t come. How different my life would have been if I had ended up with him. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I picked up the phone and made my past my present. One “Hello” was all it took. The emotional affair began and the physical one was quick to follow. “Going back” was so easy. The feelings are so deep, but they exist so close to the surface, they are easy to dive into. I didn’t stop for two seconds and think, “what the hell am I doing?” I knew where I wanted to be, and I stopped at nothing to be there. Promises of ‘we will be together forever’ were so easy to believe. I had been hanging onto those words for so long and I had always known that was the way it was intended. I was such a fool.

Fast forward to present- If you want to get over your first love, childhood crush, or high school boyfriend, and you don’t care about destroying your life in the process, make them part of your present. I not only destroyed my life, but I allowed him to destroy me all over again. It helped to see him in an adult light, with the maturity I needed to decipher the truth. I do not blame anyone but myself for my stupidity. The shallow, selfish behaviors that I am ashamed to admit I have, cost me plenty. I do not want anyone reading this to think I condone affairs of any sort. I also don’t want you to think I would ever pass judgment. I will just sit down with you and have a good cry.

I am lucky I have been given a second chance at life. I didn’t get a second chance with my previous husband and I frankly don’t believe I deserved one. But I did get a second chance at life. I am un-deserving at best. I have learned plenty from falling on my face. I have gotten over the insane feelings I had for my first love. I wish him the best and hope he finds the happiness he deserves. That is where the feelings end.

To answer the ‘Question of the Day’ posed by Dave.

Have I seen the face of God?

No, but I have seen the face of Satan when I walked through Hell. and it sucked!

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