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21 Mar

Interrupted by GOD

Posted by Sandi in Brandon, Religion, divorce

There are times that being an open book can bite me in the ass. I am guilty of sharing 99% of my thoughts with Brandon. If it causes me to reflect, or ponder, or wonder, or smile, or fear, or drive off the road, I share it. Our relationship was built on me trusting enough to share my heart and soul and feeling heard and understood. That has continued throughout our life together.

Here's the kicker. When fights erupt, he has the power, because I have given it to him. He preys upon my fears and uses them to conquer. Today, "he is (holds up his thumb and forefinger) this close to being done." Yep, my biggest fear!

How should I have responded to that? The fighter in me wants to tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass. The lover in me wants to grab him and hold him and tell him how sorry I am and beg him to stay. The emotional me wants to burst into tears. The realistic me (that me doesn't dwell here often) knows he isn't going anywhere because he has nowhere to go. The pride in me kept me from doing/saying anything.

I wasn't even given the chance…

This outburst was interrupted by GOD himself. While Brandon was pacing and fuming and being a jerk, a nice Mormon rang our doorbell. For those of you that do not know much about Mormons, God talks to them, no really, and I am 100% positive that God spoke to Jimmy Johnson and told him to get over to the Benson's because their marriage was in peril.

I left the room after I let Jimmy in, because he is Brandon's friend not mine, so I have no idea what was said, but he must have talked Brandon off the cliff, because after Jimmy left, Brandon chilled his beans and didn't leave. Currently, nine hours since those words were spoken, he is still here. I guess, this(______) close wasn't close enough?

I could go on and on about the fight, about the stress, about the hurt feelings, but what is the point? I KNOW this happens in all marriages. While I like to think that mine is more special than everyone else's, it's not. We are two people with completely different backgrounds, totally different ideas and two different brains. We fight. We disagree. We hurt each other. We say things we may or may not mean. We keep score, we bring up the past, and we will do it again and again a hundred more times…. Until finally one day, it won't hurt anymore. And that's when I'll know it's time to "be done."

Until then, I am hurt.

I am building my walls.

I have vowed to stop sharing everything. I have vowed to stop letting stupid things upset me, and I vow to keep these promises for the next hour or so……

This post is a public THANK YOU to God for saving my marriage today. Because Brandon was this close(______) to being done.

31 Comments »

05 Mar

Attraction epiphany

Posted by Sandi in Brandon, Random, cheating, divorce, first love, sex

Laying in bed the other morning Brandon is rubbing on me and dragging his feet to get up for the day. In an attempt to stall he says, "I love your body. It's so sexy."

"Baby, you love my body and think it's sexy because this is the body you get sex from."

SILENCE

and I snuck out of bed while he was contemplating my deep philosophical brilliance.

Nothing else has been said about it. Honestly, I don't know if he even gave my words a second thought, but I have been second thoughting them for a few days. When thoughts start taking up too much space in my very cluttered brain, the only thing I can do to get rid of them is to write them out.

So lets talk about this. I think I want your take on my thoughts, but first let me give you a few more things to think about.

When I met Brandon, I fell head over heels in love with him. He was a complete and total stranger in more ways than one. HE WAS NOT MY TYPE! I had never been with a guy that wore a tie and worked in an office. I was mystified on more than one occasion at how on earth this happened and where this strange attraction came from.

I was married, for fifteen years, to a guy who could have been my brother, meaning he did the same things that my brothers did all my life. Being with him was comfortable right off the bat. He was my type. He was the only version of "male" that I knew. He was a guys guy. He smelled of exhaust and dirt. He worked construction. He played with snowmobiles and ATV's. He didn't own a pair of dress shoes. He didn't know how to turn on a computer. He was at home in the garage. He was the kind of man I grew up with my entire childhood and the man I spent 15 years married to.

He was my familiar and the type of man I would say I "was" attracted to.

Going from that to the polar opposite is hard to understand.

I went from being attracted to construction workers to being attracted to clean-cut well-mannered men.

Brandon on the side of the road in dockers and loafers…. It was love at first sight. I have never been able to explain it. I couldn't then, I can't now. We both just say that it was meant to be and it was, and still is, bigger than we are. But a funny thing happened after being with Brandon. I started thinking about all these clean cut well mannered men that I had never thought about before. People I would have never even pictured as the opposite sex were occupying my brain. Not that I was having fantasies about being with them, or even wanting to be with them, I was just, for the first time, aware that men in suits and ties, had penises and most likey had sex. *SHOCKING*

So, the original thoughts I had have turned into a long rambling mess, but I think the point of my confession is this, I think you become attracted to the type of person/type of body/ type of personality, that fulfills your sexual needs. If Brandon had been a short little fat man or a huge ripped black man, I think I would find myself attracted to that. I am in love with Brandon and everything he is. That means I love his body, his mind, his heart. I love the entire package and I am attracted to the entire package. He is a geek. I call him my wireless wizard. He can't climb widowmaker on a 250cc or build a house, but he can hook me up wirelessly no matter where I am. And he can make a mean homemade mac and cheese, one that is so good it makes you moan with every bite. And his chocolate chip cookie dough, it's to die for and he can make it in under four minutes. Also, he can convert USD to Naria and metric tons to gallons and barrels in his head. He is brilliant. Best of all, he can breathe on my neck and turn me to goo in mere seconds. He does it for me in every way. I am happy to say that nerds in flip flops are my new "type."

Talk to me. Are you attracted to the "type" of person you are with, or am I smoking crack again and none of this makes any sense?

Because, on the flip side of this equation, I wonder if the majority of people are attracted to exactly the opposite of what they are with. Maybe I am the freak and the norm is to want what you don't have?

Maybe it's 90% emotional and very little physical?

Maybe it has nothing to do with a type- Quiet, smart and sensitive, and more to do with a body- Strong, tall, blonde. Type- Wild, spontaneous and fun. Body- dark, lean, and perfect teeth. Type- rugged, outdoorsman, mama's boy. Body- 5'10 lean but ripped.

Maybe its all how they make you feel and nothing to do with what kind of person they are or what they look like at all.

I think I am having a break through right here and now on my blog! I see the light. This is it. I just discovered a truth about me. First Love paid a lot of attention to me. He cared more than anything about what was going on in my head. If he didn't know what I was thinking, he wouldn't leave until he did. He learned who I was real fast by talking to me for hours. I always thought he should have grown up to be a shrink because he was good at figuring people out and was a fantastic listener.

When I married The Ex, he was the "type" of guy I was comfortable with, but he never cared to psychoanalyze me and I never felt heard or understood. NEVER. After we fell out of love, I stupidly attempted to regain my first love. Looking back, it may have been easier to just see a shrink to feel understood. But, I probably would have fallen in love with the shrink and ended up in the exact same place.

When I met Brandon on the side of the road, he wanted to talk…… and we talked and talked and talked. He wanted to know me, inside and out, and for the first time since I was seventeen years old, I felt like I mattered to somebody. Truly, truly mattered. Shit, no wonder the sex was so amazing.

There you have it. That's the story of why I was attracted to a guy in a tie.

PS- I am aware that this post is all over the place. The stream of conscience blogging is what you get today.

PPS- You are all still welcome and encouraged to share your attraction stories because I would love to be distracted with a little sex today. THANK YOU!

33 Comments »

28 Sep

So far

Posted by Sandi in Utah, blended families., divorce, family

It’s Sunday night at 8:30. I am sitting in the living room of our Hotel suite. Pickle, Parker, and Ellie are all in the room behind me bawling their eyes out because they haven’t figured out how to sleep in a strange place…..Why did I think this trip would be fun?

WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

For most of drive up I asked myself this question.

We drove two cars again. I had all the luggage and four kids. Brandon drove the van with eight kids. Every stop for gas, food, and potty breaks, we looked at each other with the "WTF have we done?" look.

Pickle is like traveling with a cat. If you can picture walking a cat with no leash through Manhattan, that’s what traveling with Pickle feels like. Every stop, she takes off, every fast food joint, every gas station. In fact, just this morning, here in Park City, she got away from me in McDonalds and promptly ran behind the counter and was standing in the drive up area with the worker. I was on the side, doing the whisper scream thing "PICKLE!" and she turned her back to me and walked further. I had to walk behind the counter and drag my insane child from her post.

Having three babies with no big kids is hard. How do people start out without older children? Granted, my first few had nicer mouths, but I think I will take the two year olds talking like thirteen year olds over no helping hands. For those of you reading that don’t have any children yet, adopt an older child when you learn you are expecting. You can thank me later. I am missing my big kids. Just having a Hunter and a Hadley to pass a baby to for five minutes while I change a diaper….Priceless.

The hand off-

It’s supposed to get easier isn’t it? In some ways it does. It has. In other ways…. Oh God it SUCKS! The kids were thrilled to see their father. They were excited to spend part of the week with him. I was so happy for them. But passing nine kids off in a KMART parking lot at 8 O’Clock at night ……

sigh

I drove to Park City from Bountiful Kmart, alone with only one sleeping baby in the car. Brandon had his four boys plus Pickle and Parker in the van. I cried most of the way there. I found myself repeating out loud to nobody but myself, "Live in the present. Live in the present." This hand off was HARD! The feeling is raw and intense. But I don’t know what the feeling is. I have yet to identify it. I do know this, I HATE IT.

I am so happy. I am so in love. I have an amazing life. But something died when I had that affair and destroyed my family. I committed emotional suicide in 2005 and there are times that I grieve the old me, not just my old life. I miss the innocence. i wish I didn’t know what it felt like. I wish I didn’t know the pain. Sometimes I think it changed me for the better. I am a better wife this time around. I am a better mother. But being here in Utah, being in the Kmart parking lot and watching my family drive away from me, it’s so painful and it feels like I am living through it all over again.

….and that is where I am at right now at this moment. I am wondering WHY IN THE HELL we came to Utah.

Deep Breath

Tomorrow is a new day.

22 Comments »

14 Jul

It just so happens we are a traveling circus and more bull shit to deal with

Posted by Sandi in Utah, blended families., blogging, divorce, family

I need some help, some advice, and a listening ear or two.

I knew I could count on you.

I have changed my mind about my high school reunion. I am going. I caved AGAIN to peer pressure! I am seriously weak. I called and cried to the reunion committee and they let me buy tickets. Thank you Kristen, Kirk, Aimee, and Michelle. I know I am a pain in the ass, that much has not changed. I can’t wait to see you all on Thursday night and Friday night and Saturday at the pool.

I was supposed to fly the kids, five of them, to Utah to visit their father on Monday. I decided since I was going to the beehive state anyway, I might as well drive up and bring the kids with me and let their father have them a few days early. ( I know, I am nice.) Well, that thought was nice, but The Ex refused to allow me to deliver the kids to him on Saturday night because I was ruining his plans.

(deep breath)

Let’s keep in mind that I am arriving in Utah on Thursday, and not leaving Utah until Saturday. So it’s not like I was expecting him to "babysit" them. I just wanted to save twelve hundred dollars in airfare and spend some extra time with the kids before I send them off for two weeks. But, he didn’t care, he refused to work with me.

Enter Brandon- He was pissed! The Ex doesn’t pay for the children’s travel, we do. He doesn’t care if bringing them two days early saves us any money, but Brandon sure as hell cares. Brandon called him and said, "You pay the six hundred dollars I could have saved bringing them one way, or take them two days early." It was really a whole lot more involved than that, but I will spare you all the gory details. The Ex, of course, chose to have the children two days early. Which is exactly what he should have wanted in the first place.

What this little fight did do for us is open our eyes to the stupidity of us paying for the kids to see their father. We are now DONE paying for the the kids to visit The Ex. If he wants to see them he can fly them up, or drive down here and spend time with them. I do not know any custodial parent that pays for travel to visit the non-custodial parent. Am I wrong?

I have plans on Friday night that Brandon is included in. It’s the actual reunion dinner. My mom and sister are going to a concert that night. Do any of you Utah friends want to play with Hunter, Hadley, Jace, Jazzi and Kate on Friday evening? This is the easiest crew I have, so I am happy to share them because I love you people. If I had any of the special eddies, I wouldn’t ask, because I love you people. But these five are a JOY!

They are old enough to hang out in the Hotel and watch movie, but isn’t that bad mother like?

************************************************************************************************************

I had this entire post written and ready to publish, and then, via TEXT message, I got in a fight with my mother. If you are a full time reader you know my mother and I are like oil and water. I am now debating whether I even want to attend the reunion, because I don’t want to be in the same state as her. I can’t stand the way that woman makes me feel. Why is it that a person I haven’t lived with for 20 years can make me feel worse than anyone else on the planet? She makes my blood boil and makes my tummy churn. I literally have been moments from puking this past hour. My hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, I am sweating and fretting, and this time I can’t call it generalized anxiety. This time I can call it "MY MOTHER!"

Let me tell you all how this happened, but please if you are not interested in DRAMA, stop reading now. I would also encourage anyone that knows my mother, or who is related to me, close your window, turn off your computer and stop reading my blog, you will not like what you are about to read.

The rest of you are welcome to read this and I am happy to hear your thoughts. (If they match mine exactly)

I have asked my mother multiple times to stop visiting my kids at The Ex’s house when they are there. For four years we have been having this conversation. We have offered to fly her here anytime she wants to come. We have offered to fly the kids up to spend time just with her, We have offered to all come up and spend the weekend at her house. BUT, when The Ex has the kids, it’s his time, with his family, not her time. The Ex shouldn’t have to spend his two weeks of the year making sure the kids see all the grandma’s.

My side of the family=my time.

His side of the family=his time.

I am also uncomfortable with the role my mother still plays in The Ex’s life, and vice versa. We have had conversation after conversation about how it feels disrespectful to Brandon when she is still inviting my Ex to family functions, whether he has the kids or not. For God’s sake he was invited to my little brothers wedding. We put our foot down and refused to attend. Little brother made it clear that, if lines in the sand were drawn, he was on The Ex’s side. Needless to say, I am not close to my family, lines have been drawn again and again and all we do is fight. I know where I stand and how the entire family feels about me and my parenting and my blog. The Ex just wants to be everyone’s friend and plumber so he never says a word and never turns down a free meal or a job.

Maybe this is helping you all understand the bigger picture of why we packed our little family up and moved out of UTAH!

The fight tonight started as a TEXT asking my mom if she would be interested in seeing the kids on Friday night. She texted back that she was going to George Strait, but that the kids were welcome to sleep over and she would see them in the morning. I replied and asked her if I could call her.

I am now going to copy word for word the conversation.

MOM: "No, I WILL CALL YOU LATER!"

ME: "okay, I am just trying to make plans."

MOM: "I’ll have to see the kids another time. I won’t be home either day. sorry."

ME: "No Problem. Maybe next year."

MOM: "won’t they be up to their dad’s next week?"

ME: "yep, but you know we don’t want you visiting them with him. We have discussed this with you at least ten times."

MOM: "Why? That is stupid. What difference does that make? You deprive your kids from their grandparents and cousins for what purpose?"

ME: "So I can enjoy sharing them with my family. I tried to share them with you, and you had other plans. That’s fine. I shared them with you in April. I offered to fly you here anytime. You can see them anytime with me and brandon. That’s the way it is. When you go around us it makes the kids and (ex’s name) uncomfortable because they know how we feel about it. Brandon is very happy to talk to you about this if you would like to call him. I know you aren’t currently talking to me, he wonders if it would help to talk with him"

MOM: "You are seriously messed. You blog about how well you and (ex’s name) handle sharing the kids. far from it. You have alienated them from their whole family because of your petty jealously."

ME: "I will blog this conversation tomorrow. You are priceless."

MOM: "It won’t change my mind. Everyone thinks its horrible. You are only hurting the kids. This has nothing to do with my feelings for Brandon. You are wrong and I don’t give a rats ass what your bloggers say. You just tell them a distorted version anyway."

***************************************************************************************

So there you have the fight.

Brandon, my unflappable rock, got hot under the collar again, (twice in one day)and pounded out an email to my mother telling her the same shit we have been telling her for over four years.

My kids don’t have a relationship with my mom. She is not a "grandma", she is their mom’s mother. It’s not like she is trying to facilitate a relationship of any sort in this house with my kids. She doesn’t call the kids, or email the kids, She mails them a card on their birthdays that usually arrives a week or two late. She is stubborn and bull headed and that is about the only thing we have in common. Yet, she still had the power to make me bawl like a two year old and say the "f" word like it doesn’t matter. She makes me insane!! She makes me want to be a better mom and an even better Grandma. She makes me want to blog the shit out of her and the hell she puts me through. But I swear to God, in less than ten minutes after I post this, I will have four emails or text messages from my mothers children spewing hate and mental diagnoses at me.

It’s been a day from fucking hell.

I know why my father is an alcoholic.

59 Comments »

23 Jun

post traumatic stress

Posted by Sandi in divorce

I crashed hard last night.

Watching Jon and Kate announce to the world that they were going separate ways was more than my heart could take.

Watching two people, even strangers, experience that same grief that I know so well, is heart wrenching.

I find myself torn.

Do I know from experience that they will find themselves in a better place with a better match down the road?

Or do I know from experience that the path is so full of heartache and pain that it’s not worth it?

Divorce is a choice. It seems like an easy way out until you have taken it.

It is VERY easy for me to pass judgement now that I have traveled the road and walked through hell.

But do I really know what’s best?

Hell no.

Even today, if given the chance at a do-over, I honestly don’t know what path I would choose.

Yes, time heals, but the wounds are deep and ugly.

and all it takes to open those gashes in my heart,

is to watch it happening before my eyes on HD TV.

I am going to spend the day licking my wounds and putting my pieces back together.

Then I am going to delete the program from my DVR and never subject myself to that pain EVER again.

19 Comments »

20 May

I wonder

Posted by Sandi in divorce, family

I have been blogging long enough to know when I am crossing a line. I suck at boundaries and I know it. That being said, I know I am about to cross a line and break right on through a boundary I have already set for myself. But I have things I need to say and I am about to explode. So rather than fire off a nasty email, I am going to blog my way through this latest crisis.

My parents divorced each other about six years ago. I know, first hand, how it feels to be from a broken home. Being thirty years old when my parents divorced didn’t make it any better. For all you people out there who think it’s better waiting until the kids are grown to end your marriage, it’s not. Don’t wait. If you think it is a better way to go, you are sadly mistaken. DIVORCE SUCKS and I think it’s worse on adult kids.

My parents had an ugly divorce. They were married for 30 years and had many possessions and things to battle over. They shared a business and ran it together for fifteen years. When the marriage crashed and burned, they both hired the best of the best to battle it out in court. It was ongoing and brutal. When things were agreed upon with the business, they battled over the house, when the house was settled, they argued over things like hooker cabinets and Thomas Kincaid paintings. I think the actual divorce took two years of legal battles to finalize.

In the process, money was blown on expensive attorneys, friendships were lost, and my family was destroyed. Lines were drawn in the sand and sides were clearly established. Some of us took Mom’s side and some took Dad’s. There are a few that have remained neutral. I tried like hell to be one of them. But I am finding it IMPOSSIBLE to do anymore.

At this point, six years post breakup of the family, you would think hearts would be healing and forgiveness would be finding it’s way in. But in my dysfunctional family things haven’t ended at all. There is a party in this divorce that continues to go back to court and fight for more things, demanding things that are no longer to be had, and making healing and forgiveness impossible, regardless of whose side you are on. While the battle is still raging, how can you heal? I love both my parents, but it’s difficult to understand the one that won’t allow peace to come.

I am guilty of destroying my children’s nuclear family, but I am not guilty of prolonging the pain by being greedy and vindictive in a trial. There is nothing of greater value to me than my children. *No money, or house, or portion of a business is worth more to me than having civil, loving, relations with all my children, and part of doing that, is by being civil and understanding to their father. I am happy to help him out in times of need by flying children back and forth, forgiving medical bills he could never afford, even giving him a 12,000 dollar vehicle to make it possible for him to have all the kids in one car when they visit. I don’t have to do any of those things. My divorce decree tells me what I am entitled to and what I have to provide to my Ex. Being nice, understanding, and forgiving only benefits the kids. That doesn’t mean I want him reading my blog, but if he calls me next week to tell me he can only pay half my child-support next month, I smile and tell him no problem. Because, if I were to attack my ex in a legal battle, or demand more money from him than he was capable of giving me, who would I really be hurting? My kids. I feel this scenario is the same thing. I am thirty-seven years old and still suffering through my parents divorce. I am hurting. I may not be a kid, but I am their kid.

This is hurting more than just parental relations; it is driving a wedge between the siblings as well. One of my siblings even went so far as to offer a testimony in court, just this past week, against one of our parents. I am not sure who I am more disgusted with, the parent that asked for it and allowed it, or the sibling that did it.

While I am sure this parent feels hurt and justified in going after my other parent. I wonder if and when it will ever end, and at what cost. I wonder.

* Disclaimer-

I understand that I am in a unique situation and blessed that I don’t depend on child-support to live. I know plenty of women that do and that should be fighting their ex for support. However, this is not the situation in my case or my parents.

22 Comments »

12 May

Cheaters and other idiots

Posted by Sandi in cheating, divorce

Brandon is home from Nigeria. It was a top-secret trip. He was testifying against a big player in an oil cartel in Port Harcourt. It was dangerous and I held my breath all week.

While he was gone, his ex wife called me and we chatted for over two hours. While this is nice to have a better relationship with her and I understand that she respects my marriage and I feel like I have healed from some of the issues in the past…. I think getting that close to her and listening to stories about her and Brandon’s past, was not conducive to my healing. Those big steps I felt like I had taken this past year didn’t feel as big after I hung up the phone. Maybe that’s just life, one step forward two steps back.

In the conversation, I went from having nothing to do with the break up of their marriage to being the number one factor, AGAIN. She goes back and forth on this issue all the time. It doesn’t affect the way I feel about Brandon or my marriage, but it does affect the way I feel about myself. I don’t want to add that to my list of guilt. Destroying two homes is not something I want to own. It absolutely crushes me.

I had a breakdown Tuesday night. I fought with Brandon about it over the phone. The timing couldn’t have been worse. He was already a basket case over the shit he was dealing with in Africa, and I dropped all of my shit on top of it. Needless to say, I suck. He was stressed and furious and called Becky to tell her to stop talking to me about the past because he was tired of dealing with it. It wasn’t my desire to get her in trouble, I just wanted him to make me feel better.

I don’t think she is mad at me, because after my post about the in-laws, she wrote a nice comment, but I chose not to publish it. In a nutshell, it said we were good people and his family should like us. She also had the boys call on me on Mothers Day. That was the nicest thing ever.

While I have tons of other things to write about and update you all on, I want to hear from you about cheating spouses. (I know I’m beating a dead horse.) Brandon and I have been in an ongoing conversation about this since my phone call with Becky. While neither one of us have been cheated on, we both stand up and admit we were WRONG and should have ended our marriages in a better, less hurtful way. This, I know, is a touchy subject. I know some of you have cheated, and I know some of you have been cheated on. I want to know if the people that have been cheated on feel any responsibility at all for allowing things to get to that point. What weren’t you doing or offering your spouse at home that made them go outside of the house for whatever was missing?

When I talk to Becky, she will not admit or own the fact that her marriage was in trouble. She will not take responsibility for anything that went wrong or that she contributed in anyway to the problem up to the point of the cheating. The question for you is this: Does the cheating overshadow EVERYTHING? Or, does time offer enough clarity to see your own mistakes that lead to the failing marriage or cheating spouse?

note- I am aware that not all cheating spouses are in a bad marriage. Some bastards just like sex with other women.

40 Comments »

14 Apr

Healing in Utah

Posted by Sandi in Utah, blended families., divorce

I did pretty damn good in Utah. I was prepared for the breakdown. I had myself geared up just in case. I am notorious for emotional breakdowns, and nostalgia is a fast ticket there.

I saw my Ex and Brandon’s Ex. TWICE. We even visited for a minute. I didn’t throw myself on the bed and sob after either one of them left. It’s been days at this point, and I haven’t replayed all of the conversations over and over. I haven’t sniffled or choked up even once. Do you know what this must mean? It means I am healing. I really believe I am.

TIME. It just takes time. It also helped that the entire trip was on my time and on my terms. I didn’t feel trapped, or forced to spend time with anyone, or share kids with anyone. It was all my doing and my sharing. I liked that.

I didn’t drive by the old house, or even the neighborhood. I am taking things slow. Baby steps seem to be the best way to do this.

I didn’t feel like both sets of kids would be better off in a nuclear family. I didn’t look at their faces and only see pain. I didn’t put my feelings on them, or grieve all over again. I just felt like life was good and the kids were right where they’re supposed to be. Visiting the parents they were visiting and living with the parents they should be.

The kids came home from spending four days with the Ex and the Nanny and announced that the Nanny has another baby in her tummy. I didn’t die like I did the first time. I didn’t even cringe. Well, maybe a little. But I can truly say that I am happy for them and hope they have many more kids.

As time goes on and healing takes place, forgiveness pushes it’s way in. I’m healing, growing, and finding much needed peace. This doesn’t mean I won’t come crashing down in a thousand pieces tomorrow, or next week or even a year from now. But right here, right now, I am doing okay. I vowed to blog the good stuff as much as possible, and this is bloggable good stuff.

I learned from Brandon’s ex this past week that she is healing too, and doesn’t hold me responsible for the demise of her marriage. Years ago, she had called me “The other woman” and I grabbed that title and owned it. I had felt plenty of times that The Nanny was the other woman. So I knew how Brandon’s ex felt and wore the title in shame.

Because of conversations in the beginning of our relationship, I know my Ex blamed Brandon for moving in too fast and not giving him a chance to consider returning. Brandon’s ex blamed me for the same thing and I blamed The Nanny. We all wanted it to be someone else’s fault. None of us wanted to just flat out say, “I wouldn’t take you back even if you wanted me to.” That was too cruel and too harsh, even in the beginning to say. If we felt that way, we didn’t say it. We blamed other people and circumstances.

I believe that all of the blaming caused more damage to all of us rather than if we had just called the spade a spade and moved on. It left doubts in all of our minds; it allowed us all to be the reason that families weren’t intact.

I have regrets about plenty of things, I add to my list daily. But this trip seemed to give some clarity and peace to both our divorces. I have ZERO regrets about seeing the Ex’s on this trip. I am counting this vacation as a blessing. Borrowing Rascal Flatts words, “I’m moving on.”

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14 Nov

I am finding it hard to make everyone happy

Posted by Sandi in blogging, divorce, sex

I am SOOOO ready for November to be over. I should have never attempted the blogging everyday thing. I am totally consumed by the next post, As soon as I hit the publish button the stress of the next post looms. I lie in bed all night and think about WHAT. TO. BLOG. I would far rather be sleeping in bed at night or doing other things in bed at night….. This is even causing problems in that department. We had to take the laptop to bed with us last night. (Not so I could blog, but so I could get my head out of life and into sex.) HOW SAD IS THAT? (Embarrassing to even admit.)

I have readers that want to hear more about being a mom to fourteen children.

I have readers that enjoy reading about the divorce and want to hear more about the road through hell.

I have readers that are curious about all the adoptions, where they all came from, and how we knew they were ours.

I have readers that would love to hear about the special needs of the kids.

And thankfully, some readers, like my mother, would be very happy with pictures of the kids on a daily basis. I know this would not satisfy my others readers as well. BUT, I do have freakin’ cute kids.

So can you all help me get through the next few weeks? I want to hear from you. What do you want to spend the next two weeks hearing me ramble on about? Please remember who you are talking to. Don’t give me something hard to write about. I will share all my dirt, all my stories, and what I can about my kids. But don’t ask me to write about cooking and cleaning. All I can say to that is, “hired help and dominos.” Certainly not blog worthy.

Shout it out on here if you can. If not facebook, or my email. sandibenson at gmail dot com.

If you don’t give me a few suggestions. You will being seeing a lot of pictures.

I am off to spend the day at the beach. It is 90* here today. Ali is leaving tonight to return back to a cold UTAH. So we are taking advantage of the GORGEOUS WEATHER and my FAVORITE place to be. NEWPORT here we come.

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21 Oct

Family story

Posted by Sandi in Brandon, divorce, flashbacks

Even though this is "our family" story, I have to go back when it was just "my story" so you can appreciate the meeting and the timing of it all. The timing was both a blessing and a curse. The meeting was nothing short of fate.

I left my marriage of almost 15 years on April 1st 2005. I wasn't happy. I had spent the majority of my marriage being mom and nothing else. Even with 13 kids in the house, a busy career and countless friends, I was empty. I made mistakes. BIG ones. I went outside my marriage to find my happiness. What I found was even more emptiness, more heartache and finally, myself alone in a houseful of kids.

The ex and I may not have had the perfect marriage, but we had history, and HISTORY is a powerful thing to ignore. So after six weeks of begging for forgiveness and begging for the ex to come home. I gave up and set out on the path of my new life. "Single parenthood". Single, Single, Single. I had never been single in my entire life. I had a boyfriend in Kindergarten. I always belonged to somebody. I didn't know how to do it alone.

I spent the weeks from April 1st through May 15th in the fetal position, curled up in bed. My children and friends from the old life would all verify this and probably add a few more terrifying details that my brain has chosen to omit from my memory. ( thank you brain for that merciful gift.) The ex was always to happy to tell me, "You shit in your bed, now sleep in it." It fits. I caused all the pain and all the drama. I didn't deserve to breathe, let alone function.

On May 15th, I got up and decided it was time to live again. I had to do this for my kids. I had already destroyed their home and family as they knew it. I at least needed to be a happy mom. I resigned myself to the fact that the ex wasn't returning. (To add insult to injury, he was being comforted by my 21 year old nanny of three years, who I might add got fired and is now the step mom.) What better way to comfort myself than go out and find a date? So I joined the millions of crazy people on match.com. I got myself a date and actually found a nice guy. He thought I was cool and the ex hated him. Bonus!

Mr. Match.com and I enjoyed our short time together. He met the kids and they liked him, he loved them and I loved his kids. I met the ex wife. She was cool. He knew all my friends and neighbors from high school, another bonus. they verified he wasn't a freak. I still ran a background check on him. He passed. He was perfect on paper! I however was still freshly out of a marriage, still grieving and not ready to jump in with both feet. I was busy with attorneys and still fighting the ex for child-support. And when I got into bed at night, it was the ex I wanted there, not Mr Match.com. RED FLAG!

After a whirlwind two weeks I put on the brakes. Things were moving way too fast and I wasn't ready for a new relationship. I had only wanted to date a few guys, and maybe make the ex jealous.

The very day I told Mr. Match we needed to cool things down, I got into a car accident on I-15. It wasn't a big one. just early morning rush hour, and the car behind me forgot to slow down soon enough. I was hit from behind and I hit the car in front of me and that car hit Brandon.

Nobody got hurt. But the three cars were smashed up pretty bad. Brandon was in a land rover and it only had a cracked tail light. We all got out of the cars and stood on the side of the freeway waiting for the UHP to come. I was falling in love with the guy in the land rover. We all exchanged info and enjoyed the morning sun on the side of the road. The guy in the car that I hit was a basket case. He had places to be and no time for this. Brandon and I just filled out our police reports and grinned at each other. Things I noticed…….He didn't have a wedding ring on, there was no sign of a female in his car. He smelled so good and looked so good. I sneezed, and he blessed me. TOO cute!

The neurotic man in the middle of our vehicles decided I had better open the trunk of my very smashed in car to make sure there were no broken seals or leaks. Important to note here, the entire rear end of my car was smashed in, of course there are leaks and broken seals. But being the blonde female that I am, I decided he must know what he is talking about. So I open the trunk. BIG MISTAKE! Now the car that I could have driven away from the accident has an open trunk that won't close. Duh!

Brandon to the rescue. He takes the perfect opportunity to play Macgyver. He had an old name tag with a string and he tied my trunk down with it. I was falling in love fast!

I drove away with a secure trunk and a smile. The bonus of crashing a car with someone you want to get to know. Police report

I now had in my possession all of his information. Name, birth date, address, DL number, insurance, make and model of car……. This is gold to me. I can check this guy out without him even knowing. I wasn't two miles away from the accident and my cell phone rang.

"Is your trunk staying down?"

"Yes, thank you so much."

"No problem. Have a good day."

"Thanks again for tying it down."

"Your welcome. Bye."

I hung up with heart pounding. Why did this guy make my tummy twirl and my legs shake?

**************************************************

After the car accident, I went about my busy day. I came home that night and had a very short email in my inbox from Brandon. He had sent me pictures of my car for the insurance company and a quick hello and to see how I was feeling. I also had about ten emails from Mr. Match begging to continue our relationship. He promised we could take it down a notch and even see other people, he just wanted to remain in my life in some way.

I remember sitting there at my desk, mind boggled at why Brandon made me weak in the knees and Mr Match did nothing for me. Mr.Match really was the perfect guy for me. I had been dating him, kissing him and spending a lot of time with him, talking for hours and I really felt like I knew him. Brandon was literally a stranger on the street, that I had only shared brief conversation with about the accident and the weather. I knew nothing of him other than what I had on the police report.

I responded to Brandon's email with three lines. "Thank you for the pictures. Thanks again for tying down the trunk. You were the best part of my day. Sandi" That was all it took, the dialogue began. We went back forth with emails for most of the evening. I learned he too was going through a divorce. I confessed to all my wrongs, and all my children. It didn't scare him away.

We emailed and IM'd the next day too. We spent the next week getting to know each other and falling in love. It sounds absurd even now as I write the story. But honestly, it was love at first sight. I wish that was the end of the story. I wish I could say it has been a blissful road and everything has been roses. But because we both had a past and we both were "by law" still married. It was nothing but Hell! Not all of it was Hell, just overall. We laugh still that those first few months we must have been high on the Love Drug. That must have been the only reason we stuck it out.

On June 1, 2005 Brandon stayed the night, and never left. Most of our friends and family did leave. They left us alone to either sink or swim. They couldn't condone our behavior by being friendly. They were disappointed in our poor choices and we were on our own. In some ways that worked well for us. It became Brandon and I against the world. In other ways, it put a strain on life long friendships and family relations. We are still the black sheep, the outcasts and the ones that chose each other over everything and everyone. In my camp, Brandon was the bad guy. In his camp. I was the wicked woman.

We were both still trying to get our feet on the ground and not only adjust to being divorced, but begin a new relationship as well. (I do NOT recommend this to anybody.) We struggled, I spent most nights crying silently in my pillow because I was now in a bigger mess than I could get out of. I loved Brandon. Even if we had only been together a few weeks or a few months, I felt terrible grieving my past in front of him. I loved him and didn't want to lose him too. But on the flip side of it, I was so grateful for his comfort and devotion. I think the first year of our relationship was a nightmare. I have blocked out so much of it. How sad. I should have been relishing in the honeymoon stage and enjoying every second. But not me, I was dealing with all my own personal demons.

My divorce was final in August. I sobbed the entire day. A chapter of my life was over. It was surreal to know that it was done. I was no longer the person I had been for fifteen years. A few days after the divorce decree was issued I went to the Dr for a brief check up. I checked in at the front desk.

"Is everything still current?"

"Yes."

"Still living in Layton?"

"Yes."

"Is UHC still the Insurance?"

"Yes."

"Is Mr EX still your spouse?"

I couldn't even breathe, let alone answer. He wasn't my spouse. In the event of an emergency, who would be contacted? What would happen if I died? Brandon couldn't even call the shots. I remember telling the poor woman at the front desk through my choked back sobs, that I was single. The rest of the month was and still is a blur.

The first week in September we ran off to the Beach. The beach has always been my place to escape, my answer to every problem, and my sanctuary. When life is hard, go to the beach. So with only pennies to our name, we loaded up the van and took the kids to Newport. It was there at the beach that we agreed it was time to get married.

I wish this was the fix all. Belong to somebody else and you are whole again. But my past was not going away. You've heard the saying? "The best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else." Doesn't always work. Once again, Don't try it!

I felt I needed the ex's blessing before we went to Vegas. The ex and I went for a ride and talked. He said things in that talk that haunted me for years. It didn't help the pain, but it did motivate me to move on. He wasn't coming back. He had forgiven me, but he was falling in love with the nanny. That was all I needed to hear. For those of you that don't know me, or my story. This was the hardest of all to deal with. The nanny was my dear friend, almost a sister, my confidante and an employee. I was heartbroken by her betrayal most of all. Another word of advice to my readers. Don't fall in love with your boss/friends spouse. BIG NO-NO

September 17th 2005. Brandon and I against all odds, had survived 109 days together. We were in love and starting our life together. We both had ghosts from the past that stood by and witnessed our exchange of vows. We both pretended they didn't exist and since then we both have worked hard to take care of them. We have tried not to ignore them, we have tried not to dwell on them, we have tried not to welcome them at the dinner table. But the first year, we could barely breathe without the past creeping in.

to be continued……

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