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17 May

Community- the good, the bad, and the ugly

Posted by Sandi in Friends, OC, Random, daily smut

I live in Ladera Ranch, California. It's a new development in Southern California. It has only been around for about 10 years. It's new, it's hip, it's fresh and it's full of families. I love it here. At first glance it felt right. Kids were playing in the streets, big wheels were everywhere. There were families walking their dogs, women jogging, teenagers hanging out in the park. It felt like HOME. Home meaning Utah…. that little Mormon village I left and then missed so badly I almost died.

I have lived here among the Ladera families for two solid years now, and I am here to tell you it's not the "Utah" I thought it was.

BUT there is a sense of community. I found this out the hard way a few weeks back.

I received an email from a local business here in town. They informed me that a few women had been in the establishment and were talking about the "local mom with a ton of kids that hosts a provocatively explicit blog," when the conversation turned negative and the gossiping began, the owner said, "Hey, that's Sandi Benson you are talking about. She is a great mom and a kind person." They quickly changed the subject.

When I first read the email I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing guy that stuck up for me and my family. But as the days have gone by, I have found myself disturbed about the women that were talking trash. Who are these people? Do they even know me? I "know" a tiny handful of people, like four, and I know they wouldn't have been in this place or talking about me.

I told Brandon about this incident when he came home from Nigeria and he said, "The very reason this takes place here is the very reason you love it. It's a community."

I have been thinking about this and I think he may be right.

When my little Utah turned it's back on me, instead of circling the wagons like I had always thought it would……

Well….

I never felt more alone in my life.

Don't get me wrong, Mormons circle the wagons when disaster strikes, like when your kid gets hit by a car, or your mom dies, or you lose your job. Oh my hell, there is nothing like it. They come out of the wood work and lift you up and take care of you. BUT when you do something that you shouldn't have. WOW! They don't just abandon, they kick you on their way out. Even the people you thought were friends, they can't really hang out with you anymore because that would be condoning your bad behavior.

I definitely had friends that stuck by me throughout the divorce and still to this day are my dear friends. But the majority of people that knew the whole story…. what I had done…. they were outta there!

My safety net, my village, my people, my family….. they kicked me out to the curb and left me there.

Community.

What does it even mean?

I have a community right here on my blog. I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel supported. I feel surrounded.

Until I do something stupid…. Then, holy shit, I have felt the backlash.

Maybe that's what a community is for. To keep it's members doing the "right" thing according to the community guidelines. But for people like me, that dance to the beat of their own drum…. Well, it's tough. It's tough to fit in. It's difficult to conform and hard as hell to strike a balance of true self and acceptable behavior.

I have a friend in Utah. She is single. She is VERY active in the church and has found herself pregnant. For those of you not familiar with Utah and the Mormon church, being single and pregnant is UNACCEPTABLE! Especially when the guy that got you pregnant is a married man. She is about to experience the most horrible part of belonging to a community. The community she has lived in and loved her entire life is about to drop kick her to the depths of hell.

There is nothing I can do.

I can and will be one of the few that will offer her a kind word and not pass judgement. But I don't live in her neighborhood anymore. I won't be talking behind her back in relief society and whispering about her as she walks by me in the grocery store. But GODDAMNIT, there will be a dozen of her life long friends that will be.

Nothing feels worse than walking in those shoes.

I am grateful I lived to tell the tale of being cast out, because there were days that I didn't think I could go on. I will NEVER be a part of the church that did that to me and made me feel that way. But I have found that you don't have to belong to a church to get gossiped about or even cast out. People are doing it right here in my own backyard.

I want you all to do something for me today.

Call somebody that thinks a little bit differently than you, or dances to the beat of a different drum? Reach out to a loner, a loser, a mom that blogs and uses her kids real names, a single pregnant girl, a divorced dad… Stick up for somebody. You get the picture. Spread some love and some light.

We all need support. We all could use a little sticking up for. Be kind. You never know when the shoe may be on the other foot.

What that man did for me, right here in my own town… He made my freakin' day. I love that guy! I will say nice things about him and his business to everyone I meet.

Let's all show a little more love to our fellow men.

PS- Hi Ladera Ranch. I live here. My kids attend the same schools yours do. We shop at the same stores and eat at the same restaurants. Our kids see the same dentists. We sit in the same waiting rooms and at the same stop lights.

Nice to meet you all. If you "know" me because you read me, please say hi. It would be great to get to know you as well.

44 Comments »

05 May

a reminder

Posted by Sandi in Random, blogging, daily smut

Telling someone to gain weight is as rude as telling someone to lose weight.

IT'S NOT NICE!

I cannot help how much I weigh or where fat gathers on me, or where it does not. It seems so tacky that people think they can tell somebody who is thin, that they need to put some meat on their bones. Is this because most people think that gaining a few extra pounds is easy? If told YOU to gain some weight, so you'd look younger, could you do it? How about if I told you to lose a few pounds? Is that easy?

Let me tell you what I have had to eat today. Maybe we can treat this like an online dieting blog.

BREAKFAST- 6 am

2 rice krispie treats.

1 bowl of cinnamon toast crunch.

Two or three handfuls of cornpops while I am getting kids ready for school.

8 am- stop for gas on the way to Hunter's school. I purchase and eat a package of hostess powdered donuts and a diet coke.

SNACK- 10 am

Cheetos

diet coke

a few handfuls of goldfish

LUNCH- noon

i went to Nordstrom with Emmy and Brooke

I had Angel Hair pasta and a lemon bar and a diet coke.

SNACK- 3pm

One orange

and another rice krispie treat.

DINNER-5 pm

Spanish rice (ground beef, rice, cheese, green peppers)

Milk

banana

another diet coke

SNACK- 8pm

one row of oreo cookies

a naked juice (incase I didn't get enough fruits and veggies today)

If I were trying to lose weight, you would all be screaming at me about the shit I put in my mouth.

I have a stash of yellow zingers and brown sugar poptarts in my bedroom because I refuse to share them with the kids. I have peeps sitting in my nightstand getting hard and crunchy just the way I like them. I eat fast food like it's going out of style. We eat out constantly. I dip everything I eat in ranch dressing. I eat bread like there is no tomorrow. I eat more sugar and flour than anyone in this house. I LOVE TO EAT!!

I AM NOT ON AN EFFING DIET!

DO NOT TELL ME TO GAIN WEIGHT!

I HATE IT!!

I CAN'T GAIN WEIGHT!

I am 105 pounds. I am always 105 pounds. The most I have ever weighed in my life was 127 pounds at full term (pregnancy.)

I do not watch what I eat. I do not work out.

And I marvel at those people who have the balls to tell me to gain weight.

STOP BEING RUDE!

How in GODS name am I supposed to gain weight in my chest and in my face and on my arms and on my ass?

HOW?

This past two years, I have grown a nice little fat roll around my middle.

Why aren't any of you making comments about that?

Can I hear a "Great job Sandi. Now you don't look so old?"

That's what I thought.

I can't change this body. I am stuck with the old lady skeleton… SO BE NICE!

54 Comments »

22 Mar

as promised

Posted by Sandi in Family updates, cosmetic surgery, daily smut, sex

Here is the nitty gritty on the crotch doctor.

I was correct in my assumption that all is not well in the nether regions. For the past few years things just feel like they are falling apart and now, I have a doctors note to prove it. I know many of you are freaking out that I would spend $18,000 dollars on cosmetic surgery for my crotch, that no one but Brandon sees. I am happy to report that only $4400 of that $18k is cosmetic.

I have some medical issues that affect other things I use my private parts for…. They need to be fixed. None of this surgery is for the sex life. If you read me, you know I have nothing but LOVE for my sex life. But going to the bathroom is important and I would like to have the things, that my bio babies destroyed, corrected.

I have scheduled the surgery for April 12th.

Dr Accetta has a lovely office and his staff is awesome. He seems to know his stuff. He is a GYN with a certification in cosmetic surgery.

I was sitting in his office, waiting for a room, when he walked in. His office manager introduced me and I stood up to shake his hand. He took one look at me and said, "natural breasts will never work for you." and then he left. I was like, WOW, thank God I have implants then. Kelly, the office manager didn't say anything, she just kept on going through the vaginal surgery spill. I was trying not to be too offended.

When I was in the room with my legs in the stirrups, he greeted me and apologized for confusing me with a "Natural Breast" consult. He explained that he thought I was there for "natural breasts." Women come in and want to have natural breast augmentation, which means that they use the fat from their own body and put it in their breasts. That explains why he took one look at me and said, "natural breasts will never work for you." I don't have enough fat on my body to work with. I felt much better after the explanation.

During, and after the exam, he confirmed that I was falling apart. He explained why I am a walking urinary tract infection, and how he can fix it. He explained why, in certain positions, sex feels like Brandon is pushing a knife through my rectum, and how he can fix it. And if I had medical insurance, it would all be covered, but I don't. He also told me that while I was under the knife, that he could trim a little skin off the labia and clitoral hood because, and I quote, " You have such a pretty clitoris, it needs to be seen." So there you have it. I will have a little nip and tuck in addition to some medical repairs that will make using my privates in the bedroom and the bathroom better.

And if mama is happy….. everybody is happy.

******************************************************************

DeeDee came this weekend. I got to spend 45 minutes with her. I had a good cry when she left. I miss my friends so badly!!

This is DeeDee's Izzy in the middle. I LOVE this picture. All the girls are looking so cute, but my flash turned everything green, so I made it black and white.

*****************************************************************************

Dalin broke or dislocated his arm again. I think he is going to have to have surgery. They won't cast his arm, because it's the arm that doesn't work and it's already so tight. They fear that immobilizing it will cause him to lose even more mobility. It's a catch 22 thing. Poor kid.

****************************************************************************

I am leaving tomorrow for The South. We are doing a frantic run through five states and visiting seven colleges. I will be home Saturday afternoon with Shaylee in tow. I can't wait to see her.

*************************************************************************

Keep this household in your prayers. Single parenting this group isn't easy, I know, I have done it a hundred times while Brandon is in Nigeria.

I have a Pickle post scheduled for tomorrow since I will be traveling EAST all day long. I hate flying east, it takes the entire day. If I get a chance, I will blog from the road, if not, you have been warned and I can be found at any Waffle House along the highway.

22 Comments »

19 Mar

Things you may not know

Posted by Sandi in Random, cosmetic surgery, daily smut

Having babies is detrimental to your private parts. Just thought you should know that.

This message was brought to you today by the letters V and J.

And by the number 18,000.

I will give you all a more detailed, yet tasteful, report on Monday. For now, I have far too much laundry to do to be sitting here.

15 Comments »

16 Mar

You’re so vain…. You probably think this blog is about you, don’t you?

Posted by Sandi in Random, cosmetic surgery, daily smut, getting old

I am in the market for some upgrades.

-I am finally ready to get the new boobs I have had my eyes on for a few years now.

-I want to get my butt lifted back up to where it belongs.

-I want my crotch cinched up a bit so you can't tell where Shaylee grabbed the inside of my vagina and hung on while she entered the world.

-a tummy tuck would be fabulous.

-I am also looking at the brazilian butt augmentation in the process. They will suck the fat out of the rolls on my belly and stick the fat in my fanny. …two birds with one stone in my opinion. No more fat rolls and little junk in the trunk making my entire body more pleasing to the eye.

Sounds good right?

Here are my issues-

I am a wuss when it comes to surgery. I hate going under the knife, I am always sure I will never wake up, I always puke my guts out when I do, and finally, the guilt of having to be taken care of…. SUCKS!

Pain pills and Sandi DO NOT MIX! For as long as I can remember I have had "ALLERGIC TO DEMEROL" stamped on top of all my medical charts. When I was a young one, I had major surgery to correct an inward rotation of my legs. (pigeon toed, but the entire leg.) When I was in the hospital, they were pumping me so full of demerol that I took a MAJOR TRIP and still have VIVID memories of that week.

There was a camel in my hospital room.

My brothers were in the glass IV bottle. They would knock and wave and float around in the saline on air mattresses. They were having much more fun than I.

I was 100% positive I was Mary, from the nursery rhyme "Mary Had A Little Lamb." I didn't have a lamb in the room, I had a camel, but I was laying on a lambskin pad to prevent bedsores. That could make sense.

Flash forward to 2005 when I got breast implants. The pain pills I was popping had the exact same effect as the demerol. My ironing board came to life. It was like something you would see in Beauty and the Beast. My closet door had to be shut the entire day or the ironing board would walk out and talk to me. I had a pet goldfish. (her name happened to be Dorothy. She was visiting from Elmo's World.) I saw spiders, most of them talked. I couldn't remember my kids' names. I thought Shaylee was my sister. I thought I owned a beauty supply store…. I was a head case. My older children loved every minute of it and would come in to sit with me in hopes of hearing or seeing something off the wall. Sadly, they were rarely disappointed, and to this day, they love to talk about the time that mom got new boobs….

Side note to this post- Hunter has the exact same problem and without spilling all his private stuff on the internet, he was hallucinating like a crazy person after one Tylenol Codine. FRIGHTENING!

If I can toughen up and stop being such a pansy, there are indeed some pros to this cosmetic surgery.

For example-

I had this awful vein in my leg for 14 years. Last July, I finally felt brave enough to get it fixed. EVERYDAY I wonder why in the hell I waited so long to fix that ugly thing. I dealt with YEARS of self consciousness at the beach. I never wore cute skirts or shorts because who wants to look at purple bulging vein? I hated that thing! I wish I had been brave enough to do something about it years ago because at thirty eight, do I have any business wearing cute mini skirts? Yeah, I didn't think so.

You have heard me say similar things about my teeth. I love my smile now, I don't cringe at every picture I see of myself anymore. I am happy to give a cheesy grin whenever you want me to. I should have fixed my teeth at 25.

The other thing I have always hated and been so self conscious about is my skin. If I could have asked for anything, it would have been a clear complexion. I tried everything under the sun, both prescription and over the counter, my entire life and NOTHING WORKED. I used to fantasize about a skin transplant. I figured in the end if you are blessed with a "skinny gene" and a high metabolism, God has to curse you with something else, and for me, it was ZITS and the LOVE to pick them. I think my skin may have looked tons better if I could have just left it the hell alone, but picking was a part of my day. I'd wash my face and plant my butt in front of a 5X magnifiying mirror and proceed to pick anything and everything I could see until I would bleed. That was my routine. But not anymore!!

For thirteen weeks I have been taking Accutane. This is much like the vein in my leg…. WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T I DO THIS 20 YEARS AGO??? WHY? My skin is now lovely. I haven't had a ZIT to pick for 10 weeks. I wash my face and go to bed. I don't have to touch up every picture that is on the camera. I don't have to cover up with makeup. I don't even have to wear makeup if I don't want to. A little sunscreen is all. I am over the moon with the results! Why did I waste so many years of my life looking like a monster when I could have done this years ago and been happy with my skin?

I think that is where I am right now. Wondering why I didn't do this stuff sooner and since I still have things that I am not happy about, I want to fix them. The things that I have fixed in the past have turned out better than I expected. So I want to fix everything. My initial list is long and extravagant and expensive and if it didn't require multiple BIG SCARY SCARS, and wasn't soooo invasive, and came for free, I might consider doing everything.

The butt stuff, I think I can accomplish with a little exercise. That same exercise might diminish the fat rolls hanging over my waist band. Wish me luck. You all know how good I am at working out.

BUT my privates, all of them, do need help. And no amount of squeezing, tightening, running, or relaxing can do a damn thing about any of them.

Tomorrow I am visiting this office for a crotch consult. The very second I have disposable income, I am going to have my girly bits returned back to a pre-vaginal-delivery state. The moment I heel from that little procedure, I am going to move up to my chest because I HAVE to get rid of these bags of water under my skin. I am thanking the good Lord above for the invention of silicone. I can't wait to have squishy boobs instead of crinkly ones.

I will keep you all posted as I try and age gracefully.

PS- I just had Brandon read through this post and asked, "will people flip their lids at this?"

To which he replied, "Oh yeah."

According to Brandon, my critics are going to flip for one of the following reasons. 1) I am setting a bad example for my children. 2) They will be jealous. 3) any person that doesn't agree with cosmetic surgery will have a problem with this entire post. and finally 4) I attract my share of crazy readers that always look at the most negative side of anything I write and jump my shit whenever they can.

I am geared up and ready.

I'm sure one of you may even decide that I am doing this entirely for the hallucinogenics… I'll be honest, after the last few weeks, I won't argue too harshly with you. I am ready for a trip…. and how nice will it be to wake up with a brand new vagina? YAY ME!

66 Comments »

22 Feb

Protected: nothing to say

Posted by Sandi in daily smut, large families, money

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11 Jan

Blending is not always possible

Posted by Sandi in blended families., daily smut

If you have ever been divorced and re-married, you are probably familiar with the term "blended family." May I just say that whoever coined that term had not done it themselves.

There is no blending.

I am four years and nine months into a "blend" and I still feel like we are being banged around in the blender of life. There are times it feels like we may actually lose our original properties and puree into a new fabulous concoction, but other days it seems like we are a bunch rocks rattling around, slamming into each other, without a prayer of ever becoming anything other than a disaster…. And making a hell of a lot of noise in the process.

This past week we have sounded like a blender full of boulders.

NOT PLEASANT!!

In order to blend smoothly, you MUST be willing to give up something, or numerous things to make yourself blendable. Me? No, not so much. I am not a blendable person. When I am passionate about something, I stand strong. I remain focused. I refuse to back down. This is such a great quality when other peoples feelings aren't involved. But when other's feelings are involved, I become opinionated, stubborn, bull headed, unwilling to compromise…… What happened to all those good qualities? No one seems to be looking at the bright side anymore. Now, I am just an unreasonable BITCH.

I hate it when I have to be a bitch. I am usually such a nice person. But when I am challenged, WATCH OUT!

It started out reasonable enough. It was a simple conversation over dinner and when Brandon suggested doing something a little bit differently with our/my kids, I felt my heart begin to race, I felt my throat dry up and the fighting tears begin to well. I said the first and only thing that popped into my mind.

"You sure as hell aren't getting sex tonight."

I showed him.

I was DONE with the conversation. I was so pissed that something I feel so strongly about was being challenged. AND equally as pissed that he knows how strongly I feel, and still WANTED to challenge me.

It went from bad to worse. Days have passed since that first conversation. Days of silence and days of pissing matches. The days I can deal with…. It's the nights that SUCK!

Nobody is happy. Nobody is blending. We are all just banging around in the blender and getting the shit beat out of us in the process.

I would have thought that after four years we would have blended better than we have. But I am here to tell you that sometimes blending is not possible. Sometimes you have to just take the beating. (for my not so smart readers, that take everything I say the wrong way, I am not being beat. Brandon is not being beat , and though some of my children should be beat, none of them are either.)

Fighting sucks. Blending sucks. And even though I have sworn, a thousand times, I would never go through another divorce, when the fighting is so bad and there is no way to reconcille and no way to compromise, it's always the first place I go to in my mind. I start dividing assets and googling legal advice. There is no greater lonely than being in a fight with the person you love. I HATE IT!

We are still trying to find a compromise. But one way, or the other, one of us is left unhappy. That's where we are right now.

Stalemate.

36 Comments »

29 Aug

tidbits

Posted by Sandi in daily smut

Hunter and I were visiting on the porch.

Hunter- "Does it ever freak you out that Parker was an embryo like two years ago?"

Me- "Not really."

Hunter- "It’s weird, It’s like he just appeared out of nowhere."

*****************************************************************************

How do I know we spend too much time on the computer?

Brandon is holding Ellie and I hand him her pajamas. He says, "You want me to log her in?"

I am yelling at the kids and putting the word "at" before their names.

"I am going to beat @parkerbenson."

Parenting geek squad style.

****************************************************************************

I was talking to a friend last night and she asked if my mother was still dating the same guy. I explained that my mother and I don’t talk anymore, AGAIN. She mentioned that there was a new guy on my moms facebook. So I jumped up out of bed and ran to the computer to get on facebook and check this info out, and my mother was missing off my list of friends.

WTF?

Yep, she UN friended me. I was dumbfounded. But then I shouldn’t be surprised at all. This is so her. I guess she couldn’t stomach seeing me in her news feeds.

WTF? I hope I never hate my kids. The thoughts of that are mind boggling. How do you ever get to that point with your own children?

****************************************************************************

Speaking of parents, My dad is coming on Sunday. I know you’ve all heard that before. (He got a little side tracked last time and shall we say, got detained against his will? That sounds good.) Anyway, bless my step-mothers heart. I think he has shit together this weekend and he will be bringing his family up to play.

When he called to tell me he was coming I said "Thank god. I need your help." because you all know I am single parenting and the weekends without the nanny SUCK. But he didn’t know this.

He said, "Do you want me to bring my truck?" and for a brief second, I thought he knew why I needed his help, and he was going to try kicking it ‘old school’ like he used to, and take the kids for rides in the pickup on the freeway. Because honestly, what’s more fun than that?

But then I realized he thought I needed him to move something or haul something, and not to help me entertain. Damn.

******************************************************************************

I have a tooth under my pillow tonight. It’s been years since the tooth fairy came to my room, but Dalin is frightened of the fairy so I have his tooth in my bed.

Me- "Dalin where are you going with your tooth? You need to put it under your pillow so the tooth fairy can come."

Dalin- "I’m putting it under your pillow because she freaks me out."

alrighty then.

****************************************************************************

I got in a fight with Brandon yesterday. He was tweeting and I freaked out. Fighting when you are 7000 miles apart is never fun. It especially sucked when it dawned on me that he is in one of the most dangerous parts of the world and what if the last thing I said to him was "fuck you?" So I stopped fighting WAY faster than I normally do and I forgave him for answering someone’s question on twitter. Honestly that was all he did, and I flipped out. I wish I wasn’t such a jealous, paranoid, bitch but I think the cards are stacked against me.

******************************************************************************

In other news, I have made it two nights alone. I haven’t even had to break out the vibrator yet. Damn missing sex drive.

14 Comments »

14 Aug

I’m doing much better thank you

Posted by Sandi in PMS, daily smut

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement to plow through another day. Retail therapy may be necessary. I still haven’t started my period. I am late again, of course, because that just makes the PMS last longer. I peed on a stick last night. It said, "WTF lady are you nuts? Do you seriously think you are pregnant when you’re raging like a fucking lunatic." I just tossed it in the garbage can and will continue to wait.

My thoughts laying in bed last night were, why don’t we adopt another monster? Oh wait, we are doing that. So I cried a little harder. Because who in the hell would want me to be their mother?

I woke up this morning feeling better. I am sure I will start today. Have I said that already? I am doing better. I may be just trying to convince myself.

Brandon found me kicking and screaming in the tub last night. He said, "What can I do for you baby, Can I get you a drink?" He was asking me if I wanted a diet coke, or some iced tea, or a water bottle. But I heard "DRINK" and I said, "YES PLEASE, something with ALCOHOL PLEASE." And being the good and wise man that he is, he went downstairs to mix me a drink, even though he knows I didn’t want to drink anymore and knows that I asked him not to encourage me to drink, even though he always gets free and easy sex when I do…..

*sigh*

While he was downstairs gathering all of the necessary ingredients to soothe me, I came to my senses. When he rounded the corner of the bathroom hallway, with arms full of ice, bottles and glasses. I said. "never mind, I can’t do it." and I was sad, but a little proud of myself too.

If I cave to the bottle with PMS, I will cave to the bottle for everything. I discovered something about myself while I had my brief wild phase last month. I like to drink. I feel pretty and sexy and smart when I am drinking. I feel confident and nice and mellow when I am drinking. Why would I ever want to quit drinking if I feel so good? Because I was made with such genetic shit, I think I should use my brain and stay away or I will be a constant drunk and I will justify it all. I am a fantastic justifier.

For now, I am going to ride this wave of PMS and get my big kids off to school. I may go to the mall and spend a tiny bit of money and maybe get my haircut, because that always make me feel better. And tomorrow will come and I will be here to deal with it.

In other news, I asked Brandon this morning if he would mind holding the babies while I got ready.

It went like this-

Me- "do you mind if I blow my hair?"

B- "you can blow anything you would like."

Me- "Gee, thanks."

It’s amazing how quickly men forgive their wives bad behavior. They NEVER stop wanting sex. Even if it is with a raging bitch… and that is a blessing.

19 Comments »

13 Jul

update on life

Posted by Sandi in Family updates, Random, daily smut

Bronson has not smoked since I caught him. At least, as far as I know…. He rarely leaves his man cave. He has zero access to cigarettes and trouble. I think he is making good choices. Only once did he tell me that he was struggling and had a craving. I felt bad, and offered a patch or some nicotine gum. He said he would be alright. The only other time the subject has even been brought up is when I proudly delivered a copy of his AP scores to his room. He scored 4’s and 5’s this year. Last year they were all 3’s and 4’s. Later that day he drew a graph for me to illustrate how much his scores had improved over the years. Next to that graph he drew the same graph illustrating his cigarette usage over the years. The more he smoked, the better he scored. He said it was conclusive that cigarettes had CLEARLY made him smarter. Smart ass child of mine!

Brandon has not had one episode of spinning and puking in over two weeks. Thank you all for your prayers, well wishes, and good advice. I even had one sweet reader send us some nausea drops. I am so grateful for all of your love and support . I am no longer watching his every move, or feeling like I am living with a ticking time bomb. I think the medication that he has been taking is working. I hope it continues too. He is reporting that he feels "normal" but clearly, we all know that’s subjective.

I have been spending a lot of time in the lab and in Dr.’s offices. Bottom Line-Shaylee has weird blood. We are finally seeing an endocrinologist. It’s either her Thyroid, or her Pituitary gland. I should have more information as the week goes on. Poor girl just feels like a pin cushion at this point.

I am going to BlogHer, but not my high school reunion. I feel a much greater connection to those in the blogging community, than those I went to high school with. I am still a little apprehensive about leaving, but I feel good about going. Shaylee has offered to watch the kids next weekend so I can run away to the Montage Resort, with Brandon, for an early birthday sex weekend. I am so excited!!!

Update on the House- Brandon got cold feet and backed out at the last second. It’s been stressful, but I support his decision in it. The house is listed at way above market value. We offered something we felt good about, they countered, we accepted. They brought the final paper work over for us to sign and officially enter escrow and Brandon started getting wishy washy. Moments before, he was talking about packing the house up, but when our realtor walked in the front door, the entire mood changed. So, I am sad, but totally believe that if the house is supposed to be ours, then it will be. Brandon may change his mind and not care how much we pay for it, or the builder may come down on the price, or maybe neither. So for now, I bitch about the shower/bath situation. But that’s not serious enough to get my panties in a wad. We have lived here for fifteen months just fine. I think we can live here for longer….. And that just frees up the money to get my boobs fixed. There’s always a silver lining!

My new neighbor just walked over to meet us. She already knows Ty, she met him before she even moved in. Anyway, She talked to me for about 30 minutes before asking me if I knew Sally. I don’t personally know Sally, but I do know of Sally. She is a local Ladera Mom and also a Mormon. My new neighbor couldn’t get over how similar Sally and I were in our laid back attitude. You know, "kids can play with other neighbor kids, you can come in my house and help yourself to our milk if we aren’t at home. Come over anytime. The door is always open. Send your kids over to play……" She is convinced that us Utah Mormons are CRAZY. She sat and told me how many real life crazies there were in the world and especially here in California. She couldn’t get over how two people with kids could be so relaxed about other people. Her little girl sat on my porch and just wanted to come in and play. Even after a 30 minute visit with me and all the kids her mom wouldn’t let her. She has to come over another day and see the house and get to know us better. I am glad there are good moms in the world. I am glad I am not one of them. I would have to be highly medicated if I thought every house my kids walked into belonged to Ted Bundy. I would go nuts if I had to accompany my kids to the park every time. or walk outside to watch them ride bikes everyday. I may live in ignorance, but I am happy here. This place is safe. I don’t want any of you Ladera moms telling me otherwise. Sally and I live here for a reason. To borrow Hadley’s words, "This place is crawling with Mormons." It must be ZION!

We are dealing with the regular shit we always do. You know, literally, the real stuff. Pickle is learning how to undress and that includes her diaper. I have lost count of how many times I have walked into a poop smeared room. Have I mentioned to you that I hate shit? Brandon has started duct taping her diapers on, that way she can take off everything except her diaper. You thought kids in diapers running around outside was tacky. How about seeing one with her diaper duct taped on. We are white trash… except we aren’t white.

Pickle

Speaking of white trash, and the fact that I am a shitty mom, as addressed in the above paragraph, the last time the kids went to the park, they came home to tell me that Ty pooped. The park they go to is very close to our house, but doesn’t have a bathroom. So instead of coming home to poop, Ty dropped his pants and shit in the grass like a dog. -sigh- After he shit like a dog at the park, he picked it up, like the special eddie that he is, and threw it in the bushes, so his siblings wouldn’t look at it. I swear to God, the shit is what may push me over the edge. On one hand I am thrilled he didn’t poop his pants, on the other hand.. Well, that hand was smeared with shit.

Happy Monday friends!

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