I do all of Brandon's laundry. I hang it up and he goes in behind me, within hours, and rearranges it so it's correctly placed according to color, collar, pants, shorts…..
Am I the crazy one or is he?
I do have to admit he has a pretty good looking closet.
If this is OCD I wish I had it in small doses.
So how many of you do this with your clothes?
I can't keep up. For all of you, through the years, that have asked me time and time again. "How do you do it all?" This is for you. I DON'T!
Colby's birthday was yesterday. NO POST!
Dalin's birthday was last week. NO POST!
Today is father's day- NO POST!
What kind of horrible mother/blogger am I?
This end of the school year is kicking my ass. Every kid has three or four big things going on. Plays, concerts, field days, final exams, lake trips, graduations, special dinners….. I can't keep up.
Since I was drowning in activities anyway, I figured I would just check out for a few days and scheduled surgery for Tuesday.
The way I see it, I just bought myself two free days to lay in bed and dictate to the rest of the world what needs to be done. I'll get up on Thursday when it's all over.
SWEET SWEET SUMMER!
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Happy Birthday COLBY MICHAEL-
Coco turned Twelve yesterday. The anticipation of the day is always 100 times better than it actually is. We went to Game Stop to buy games for his PS3. That took all of ten minutes for him to blow through his birthday money.
Then he wanted Chinese Food for his birthday so we went to PF Changs. He couldn't sit still. He was up and down and driving me crazy. He had new games to play. Every five minutes he asked, "Are we done yet?"
Brandon and I gave up. We came home… and we didn't see him for the rest of the night.
At bedtime, he said, this was the best day of my life.
So I guess we did something right, or he was stoned out of his mind from sitting in front of the PS3 all day. Normally there is a one hour limit of screen time, but on birthdays I close my eyes to it.
Colby,
You make me happy mister! I love watching you grow up. You are an amazing kid. I can't wait to see what this next year is going to bring. You meet every challenge that's thrown at you. YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE PERSON! I am so proud to be your mama!
Happy Birthday baby. I love you.
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Happy Father's day to the man of my dreams and the greatest father on the planet.
There is nothing sexier than a man with a baby.
Or a man in a hat.
I love you baby. Thank you for parenting this tribe with me. I couldn't ask for a better daddy for my kids. Seriously, when I found myself single parenting 100 kids, I never in a million years thought I would remarry and put my kids in the situation of having a "step dad."
I am so glad you came in my life and knocked me off my feet, because what you have given my kids and done for my kids is extraordinary. They are so lucky to have you as their daddy. I will be forever grateful for the example you are to them.
I hope you have the best day EVER!
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Happy Father's day to all you Dads out there.
Five years ago today I met the man of my dreams, my soul mate, my true love.
I have never been happier in my entire life.
Brandon is more than I could have wished for.
He is AMAZING!
I am the luckiest woman on the planet.
I am still head over heels in love with this man…. And it just keeps getting better.
I love you Brandon!
Happy Anniversary baby.
My man is homebound. Currently he is over the ocean somewhere, but in six hours he will be on American soil, and in thirteen hours he will be home.
I am so DAMN EXCITED!
The kids are all buzzing about Mother's Day this weekend. They keep asking me the same question over and over-
"What do you want for Mother's Day?"
and I answer them all the same way-
"To stay in my bed all day long…. all by myself."
God I hope somebody gets this message and answers my prayers.
Amen.
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There are times that being an open book can bite me in the ass. I am guilty of sharing 99% of my thoughts with Brandon. If it causes me to reflect, or ponder, or wonder, or smile, or fear, or drive off the road, I share it. Our relationship was built on me trusting enough to share my heart and soul and feeling heard and understood. That has continued throughout our life together.
Here's the kicker. When fights erupt, he has the power, because I have given it to him. He preys upon my fears and uses them to conquer. Today, "he is (holds up his thumb and forefinger) this close to being done." Yep, my biggest fear!
How should I have responded to that? The fighter in me wants to tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass. The lover in me wants to grab him and hold him and tell him how sorry I am and beg him to stay. The emotional me wants to burst into tears. The realistic me (that me doesn't dwell here often) knows he isn't going anywhere because he has nowhere to go. The pride in me kept me from doing/saying anything.
I wasn't even given the chance…
This outburst was interrupted by GOD himself. While Brandon was pacing and fuming and being a jerk, a nice Mormon rang our doorbell. For those of you that do not know much about Mormons, God talks to them, no really, and I am 100% positive that God spoke to Jimmy Johnson and told him to get over to the Benson's because their marriage was in peril.
I left the room after I let Jimmy in, because he is Brandon's friend not mine, so I have no idea what was said, but he must have talked Brandon off the cliff, because after Jimmy left, Brandon chilled his beans and didn't leave. Currently, nine hours since those words were spoken, he is still here. I guess, this(______) close wasn't close enough?
I could go on and on about the fight, about the stress, about the hurt feelings, but what is the point? I KNOW this happens in all marriages. While I like to think that mine is more special than everyone else's, it's not. We are two people with completely different backgrounds, totally different ideas and two different brains. We fight. We disagree. We hurt each other. We say things we may or may not mean. We keep score, we bring up the past, and we will do it again and again a hundred more times…. Until finally one day, it won't hurt anymore. And that's when I'll know it's time to "be done."
Until then, I am hurt.
I am building my walls.
I have vowed to stop sharing everything. I have vowed to stop letting stupid things upset me, and I vow to keep these promises for the next hour or so……
This post is a public THANK YOU to God for saving my marriage today. Because Brandon was this close(______) to being done.
Laying in bed the other morning Brandon is rubbing on me and dragging his feet to get up for the day. In an attempt to stall he says, "I love your body. It's so sexy."
"Baby, you love my body and think it's sexy because this is the body you get sex from."
SILENCE
and I snuck out of bed while he was contemplating my deep philosophical brilliance.
Nothing else has been said about it. Honestly, I don't know if he even gave my words a second thought, but I have been second thoughting them for a few days. When thoughts start taking up too much space in my very cluttered brain, the only thing I can do to get rid of them is to write them out.
So lets talk about this. I think I want your take on my thoughts, but first let me give you a few more things to think about.
When I met Brandon, I fell head over heels in love with him. He was a complete and total stranger in more ways than one. HE WAS NOT MY TYPE! I had never been with a guy that wore a tie and worked in an office. I was mystified on more than one occasion at how on earth this happened and where this strange attraction came from.
I was married, for fifteen years, to a guy who could have been my brother, meaning he did the same things that my brothers did all my life. Being with him was comfortable right off the bat. He was my type. He was the only version of "male" that I knew. He was a guys guy. He smelled of exhaust and dirt. He worked construction. He played with snowmobiles and ATV's. He didn't own a pair of dress shoes. He didn't know how to turn on a computer. He was at home in the garage. He was the kind of man I grew up with my entire childhood and the man I spent 15 years married to.
He was my familiar and the type of man I would say I "was" attracted to.
Going from that to the polar opposite is hard to understand.
I went from being attracted to construction workers to being attracted to clean-cut well-mannered men.
Brandon on the side of the road in dockers and loafers…. It was love at first sight. I have never been able to explain it. I couldn't then, I can't now. We both just say that it was meant to be and it was, and still is, bigger than we are. But a funny thing happened after being with Brandon. I started thinking about all these clean cut well mannered men that I had never thought about before. People I would have never even pictured as the opposite sex were occupying my brain. Not that I was having fantasies about being with them, or even wanting to be with them, I was just, for the first time, aware that men in suits and ties, had penises and most likey had sex. *SHOCKING*
So, the original thoughts I had have turned into a long rambling mess, but I think the point of my confession is this, I think you become attracted to the type of person/type of body/ type of personality, that fulfills your sexual needs. If Brandon had been a short little fat man or a huge ripped black man, I think I would find myself attracted to that. I am in love with Brandon and everything he is. That means I love his body, his mind, his heart. I love the entire package and I am attracted to the entire package. He is a geek. I call him my wireless wizard. He can't climb widowmaker on a 250cc or build a house, but he can hook me up wirelessly no matter where I am. And he can make a mean homemade mac and cheese, one that is so good it makes you moan with every bite. And his chocolate chip cookie dough, it's to die for and he can make it in under four minutes. Also, he can convert USD to Naria and metric tons to gallons and barrels in his head. He is brilliant. Best of all, he can breathe on my neck and turn me to goo in mere seconds. He does it for me in every way. I am happy to say that nerds in flip flops are my new "type."
Talk to me. Are you attracted to the "type" of person you are with, or am I smoking crack again and none of this makes any sense?
Because, on the flip side of this equation, I wonder if the majority of people are attracted to exactly the opposite of what they are with. Maybe I am the freak and the norm is to want what you don't have?
Maybe it's 90% emotional and very little physical?
Maybe it has nothing to do with a type- Quiet, smart and sensitive, and more to do with a body- Strong, tall, blonde. Type- Wild, spontaneous and fun. Body- dark, lean, and perfect teeth. Type- rugged, outdoorsman, mama's boy. Body- 5'10 lean but ripped.
Maybe its all how they make you feel and nothing to do with what kind of person they are or what they look like at all.
I think I am having a break through right here and now on my blog! I see the light. This is it. I just discovered a truth about me. First Love paid a lot of attention to me. He cared more than anything about what was going on in my head. If he didn't know what I was thinking, he wouldn't leave until he did. He learned who I was real fast by talking to me for hours. I always thought he should have grown up to be a shrink because he was good at figuring people out and was a fantastic listener.
When I married The Ex, he was the "type" of guy I was comfortable with, but he never cared to psychoanalyze me and I never felt heard or understood. NEVER. After we fell out of love, I stupidly attempted to regain my first love. Looking back, it may have been easier to just see a shrink to feel understood. But, I probably would have fallen in love with the shrink and ended up in the exact same place.
When I met Brandon on the side of the road, he wanted to talk…… and we talked and talked and talked. He wanted to know me, inside and out, and for the first time since I was seventeen years old, I felt like I mattered to somebody. Truly, truly mattered. Shit, no wonder the sex was so amazing.
There you have it. That's the story of why I was attracted to a guy in a tie.
PS- I am aware that this post is all over the place. The stream of conscience blogging is what you get today.
PPS- You are all still welcome and encouraged to share your attraction stories because I would love to be distracted with a little sex today. THANK YOU!
after two long as hell weeks, my man is back. I slept in this morning until 7:22 and it felt so good. 
He got here just in time to help us relocate to our new crib.
Updates will be sparse this next week. We are in the midst of the move.
Four years and still madly in love. Happy anniversary yesterday. I am sorry that sick kids and internet suckage overshadowed our day. I love you and can’t wait to spend a lifetime with you.
Thanks for having my back through thick and thin. Thanks for being my rock and loving me in spite of all the shit I bring to the table. Thank you for supporting me and the things I want to do. Thank you for being the best dad to our children and setting an amazing example on how to love and treat a wife. I hope these kids treat their spouses as well as you treat me. I am grateful to you for that example everyday. Future daughter and son-in-laws will thank you for years to come.
You make my heart skip a beat. You make my tummy twirl. Even after four years, I still have to pinch myself. You’re MINE. We really made it. Thank you for making me your wife.
I adore you Brandon!
This sexy man is homebound. I can’t wait to kiss on that scruffy face!
To say, I’ve missed him, just doesn’t do it justice. I have ached for him.
OH HAPPY DAY!
Less then seven hours.
I’m waiting…….
In my current marriage there is only one rule, the "Golden" one. We treat each other the way we would want to be treated. It seems so easy doesn’t it?
I have NO rules to rebel against. But, if there is something I am doing that Brandon doesn’t like, he is fearful to tell me for fear I will kick into my ‘old life mode’ and do whatever he doesn’t want me to do, double time. This has been the topic of many many discussions and though I have always told him how I used to behave, (because I didn’t respect my first husband or my marriage and I was VERY immature.) I haven’t behaved this way in my current marriage. I don’t think I could If I wanted to. Honestly, I love Brandon and respect him and I VALUE and CHERISH this marriage. I have been down the hellish road once, I do not want to go there ever again.
I sent Brandon an email last night telling him that I deleted my twitter account and was prepared if he needed me to, to turn off the comments on my blog so I wouldn’t be interacting with anyone. Since I get so bothered and all flipping my lid about him interacting with people on the internet. I should show him the same respect by stopping the things that I am asking him to stop. Fair? Fair.
But the email I got in return was not what I had excepted at all. He said my blog had turned into "social networking on steroids." and you know what? He is right. I write and you all comment back. I read you and comment on your page too. We email back forth as well. l had the best time meeting the people that went to BlogHer. I have become life long friends with Loralee. I have had many fun lunches and dinners with people I have met in the bloggy world here in SoCal …..and I have become my VERY worst nightmare.
What if the tables were turned? What if this was Brandon doing everything I was doing? I’ll tell you what, I don’t think I’d still be here. I would have plunged into the pacific and swam off with the dolphins. Which means, in case you don’t know, I would die!
I read his email at 2:50AM and I’ve been up and awake and out of my mind ever since. I bawled like a baby. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. The thing I love most in the world, second only to my family, is this blog. I LOVE IT. I have invested so much of my heart and soul into this thing. I love writing. I love sharing. I love looking at my beautiful kids in these pictures that cover these pages. I feel much like it is something I have given birth to. I created this thing. I nurtured it and I have watched it grow. And now, I am face to face with the DELETE button and I AM SCREAMING IN PAIN!
At 4:30 this morning I deleted my blogroll. I bawled my eyes out. I quietly said good-bye to over one hundred people I love dearly. I have been reading these "friends" for a year. I am heartbroken.
At 6:56AM Brandon called to talk me off the cliff. Saying he doesn’t care if I have a blog and have friends and read other people and comment and email and meet for lunch. What he does care about is my double standard. If I deem the behavior dangerous for him, then why isn’t it dangerous for me?
I was grasping at straws and told him that if he wanted to trade "dangerous" then I would be the one traveling to Nigeria next time. That was met with a lot of silence and then, a rant about arguing with insanity or something.
So here I am still staring at my delete button.
Could I allow Brandon to spend as much time as I do online? Could I allow him to read and fall in love with other bloggers around the world? (because I love the people I read.) How would I feel if he had to read one more blog and comment his heart out to another person before coming to bed with me? What if he shared our deepest and most personal things online all the time and waited with baited breath for the first comment?
It seems so clear to me. Because in a very small way I have watched him do this. He changes his FB status often and can’t wait to see what people will comment underneath it. I sit next to him rolling my eyes at how lame he is being as he watches for a new person to comment. He gets excited and reads me what they say and I get more annoyed. But Isn’t this the same thing I am doing everyday?
It all boils down to trust and neither one of us has any for each other. This marriage is built on love and fear alone. There is ZERO trust. How could we have ANY?
It seems so clear what I have to do. But when I do it, I will be accused of having a knee jerk reaction and making the biggest mistake EVER. But if I can’t allow him to have the same internet freedom. I sure as hell shouldn’t get to enjoy it.
I am not saying goodbye yet. I am going to wait until Brandon is home and I have had a good nights sleep. I will pray my heart out for peace and hope I find it somewhere along the way. But I know what I have to do and now the impending doom is heavy and thick.
*sigh*