blended families. « Lucky Thirteen and Counting

Archive for the ‘blended families.’ Category

13 Jul

and they are gone…. all the family and friends are gone

Posted by Sandi in Family updates, Friends, blended families.

….and this house is freakishly quiet and empty.

I need more kids I think.

The Benson boys returned home to Utah tonight. We had a PERFECT visit with them. Of all the times they have come to CA and all the times we have visited them in Utah, this was hands down the very best, the very easiest, visit. I don't know why. Maybe enough time has passed that now being a step mom is easy and unemotional. Maybe it's because we have a bigger house and nobody got displaced or moved out of their own bed. Maybe it's because the boys are getting older and less needy and less clingy. I don't know what it was, but I can't wait for them to come down again. There was ZERO drama, and ZERO conflict. Not once did it feel like YOURS, MINE, AND OURS! It was just FAMILY! YAY for US! YAY for ME.

Okay, I had a good cry after writing that little paragraph. I am truly grateful for the time we had with them. I am truly grateful for the healing that has taken place.

I have to share a few more pictures of the boys because their mom and Grandma read my blog and like to see pictures of the kids. However, they don't necessarily like looking at pictures of my boob so I have been told… but to each her own.

Hi Christine!!

Hi Becky!!

Sorry about your sunburned children. I am not used to having white kids that fry in the sunshine.

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Our friends from Utah went home tonight too. We really need to make some friends in Orange County don't we?

Jodi showed up with her tweezers to dig the rest of my stitches out. I love friends. She did a great job. She had all of them out until this morning when I was in the shower and a huge stitch popped out of my nipple. Jodi told me not to pull on it because they could "unzip my incisions." Believe you me, I didn't pull on it after that little comment, (Can you imagine unzipping your nipple?) instead I made her do a little more snipping this morning. I owe her big time for working on vacation.

I sent Jodi home with strict instructions on sending the candy I needed from Utah. She is going to overnight me some sugar ASAP. I am still trying to figure out how to get a salad from Wingers down here. Any Utah readers flying to Orange County in the near future?Email me.

I have more company coming down next week. Yes, they are also from Utah. Only Utah people understand this insanity and want to hang with it. I am counting down the days until Tara and her four kids arrive. The only person more excited than me to see them is Ty. He loves company. More people to charm, wallets to go through, and cards to collect.

Speaking of cards..

They are everywhere. He doesn't leave them in his wallet anymore. He carries them loose in his pockets and he takes them out to look at them twenty times an hour and he leaves a little trail of plastic behind him. It's making me CRAZY!

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Yesterday I went to LA with Suzanne to meet Jason. We had lunch at The Grove. It was a blast. Suzanne is a local blogger and lives ten minutes away from me…. But I met her in Chicago. Thank you BlogHer for bringing us two Orange County girls together. I adore Suzanne. She needs to come over and play with me more often.

You may remember that I went with Suzanne to see Ree at her book signing in LA. It was there that we got talking religion and I shared my rant about Prop 8 and the Mormon Church. She asked if I read Jason. She told me he was a former Mormon and that I had to go straight home and read his story, and I did and I am so glad. Jason is AWESOME! We speak the same language and grew up in the same area. It was FUN to talk church with somebody that understood.

I look exhausted in the picture. I can't even blame the traffic, or LA, or walking The Grove, because before I even walked out my door at 9:45 AM, my housekeeper said, "Are you okay? You look exhausted."

"Well, shit. I'm not okay now, because I clearly look wiped out and it's nine flipping thirty in the morning and I am meeting friends for lunch."

She pretended she didn't speak english and started washing my windows.

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In other news, Shaylee is doing much better after her wisdom teeth removal. She puked her guts out on Monday, took a sleeping pill that night, (which was provided by our Utah visitors) and felt much better today. She is still puffy and tender but not puking and not taking pain pills.

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Bronson and Heather haven't been seen since Friday. Yesterday, my dad had me convinced that they probably got into a knock-down drag-out fight and killed each other. I called five times before that little shit answered. I had his whole effing funeral planned. They are fine, they just have no reason to talk to me, or hang out with me, they are doing their own thing…. things that mothers don't need to be involved in.

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The sixth grade boys have successfully completed three weeks of summer school in the same classroom and haven't had too many problems. No fights at least. I am hopeful this continues.

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Last but not least…

Thank you all for hanging in there with me through all the pictures and very little writing while we were entertaining and being entertained. I will be back to regular blogging tomorrow.

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I am blessed!

Do you all know how lucky I am?

I truly have an amazing life and I am so grateful to be living my dream. I am surrounded by people I love. I hate to always sit here and bitch and moan when my life is full of amazing happiness! But when I feel this way, so full of happiness I could burst, I get scared, like this is too good to be true, or something horrible is bound to happen. I want to just enjoy this feeling and not think I am going to die of a brain tumor tomorrow or my kids are going to get hit by a car, because this joy is fabulous. Maybe it's just Wellbutrin. maybe it's filling me with happiness and making me a little paranoid in the process. Who knows, but right now, at this very moment, I am bursting at the seems with LOVE!

I hope I don't die in my sleep.

20 Comments »

11 Jan

Blending is not always possible

Posted by Sandi in blended families., daily smut

If you have ever been divorced and re-married, you are probably familiar with the term "blended family." May I just say that whoever coined that term had not done it themselves.

There is no blending.

I am four years and nine months into a "blend" and I still feel like we are being banged around in the blender of life. There are times it feels like we may actually lose our original properties and puree into a new fabulous concoction, but other days it seems like we are a bunch rocks rattling around, slamming into each other, without a prayer of ever becoming anything other than a disaster…. And making a hell of a lot of noise in the process.

This past week we have sounded like a blender full of boulders.

NOT PLEASANT!!

In order to blend smoothly, you MUST be willing to give up something, or numerous things to make yourself blendable. Me? No, not so much. I am not a blendable person. When I am passionate about something, I stand strong. I remain focused. I refuse to back down. This is such a great quality when other peoples feelings aren't involved. But when other's feelings are involved, I become opinionated, stubborn, bull headed, unwilling to compromise…… What happened to all those good qualities? No one seems to be looking at the bright side anymore. Now, I am just an unreasonable BITCH.

I hate it when I have to be a bitch. I am usually such a nice person. But when I am challenged, WATCH OUT!

It started out reasonable enough. It was a simple conversation over dinner and when Brandon suggested doing something a little bit differently with our/my kids, I felt my heart begin to race, I felt my throat dry up and the fighting tears begin to well. I said the first and only thing that popped into my mind.

"You sure as hell aren't getting sex tonight."

I showed him.

I was DONE with the conversation. I was so pissed that something I feel so strongly about was being challenged. AND equally as pissed that he knows how strongly I feel, and still WANTED to challenge me.

It went from bad to worse. Days have passed since that first conversation. Days of silence and days of pissing matches. The days I can deal with…. It's the nights that SUCK!

Nobody is happy. Nobody is blending. We are all just banging around in the blender and getting the shit beat out of us in the process.

I would have thought that after four years we would have blended better than we have. But I am here to tell you that sometimes blending is not possible. Sometimes you have to just take the beating. (for my not so smart readers, that take everything I say the wrong way, I am not being beat. Brandon is not being beat , and though some of my children should be beat, none of them are either.)

Fighting sucks. Blending sucks. And even though I have sworn, a thousand times, I would never go through another divorce, when the fighting is so bad and there is no way to reconcille and no way to compromise, it's always the first place I go to in my mind. I start dividing assets and googling legal advice. There is no greater lonely than being in a fight with the person you love. I HATE IT!

We are still trying to find a compromise. But one way, or the other, one of us is left unhappy. That's where we are right now.

Stalemate.

36 Comments »

28 Sep

So far

Posted by Sandi in Utah, blended families., divorce, family

It’s Sunday night at 8:30. I am sitting in the living room of our Hotel suite. Pickle, Parker, and Ellie are all in the room behind me bawling their eyes out because they haven’t figured out how to sleep in a strange place…..Why did I think this trip would be fun?

WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

For most of drive up I asked myself this question.

We drove two cars again. I had all the luggage and four kids. Brandon drove the van with eight kids. Every stop for gas, food, and potty breaks, we looked at each other with the "WTF have we done?" look.

Pickle is like traveling with a cat. If you can picture walking a cat with no leash through Manhattan, that’s what traveling with Pickle feels like. Every stop, she takes off, every fast food joint, every gas station. In fact, just this morning, here in Park City, she got away from me in McDonalds and promptly ran behind the counter and was standing in the drive up area with the worker. I was on the side, doing the whisper scream thing "PICKLE!" and she turned her back to me and walked further. I had to walk behind the counter and drag my insane child from her post.

Having three babies with no big kids is hard. How do people start out without older children? Granted, my first few had nicer mouths, but I think I will take the two year olds talking like thirteen year olds over no helping hands. For those of you reading that don’t have any children yet, adopt an older child when you learn you are expecting. You can thank me later. I am missing my big kids. Just having a Hunter and a Hadley to pass a baby to for five minutes while I change a diaper….Priceless.

The hand off-

It’s supposed to get easier isn’t it? In some ways it does. It has. In other ways…. Oh God it SUCKS! The kids were thrilled to see their father. They were excited to spend part of the week with him. I was so happy for them. But passing nine kids off in a KMART parking lot at 8 O’Clock at night ……

sigh

I drove to Park City from Bountiful Kmart, alone with only one sleeping baby in the car. Brandon had his four boys plus Pickle and Parker in the van. I cried most of the way there. I found myself repeating out loud to nobody but myself, "Live in the present. Live in the present." This hand off was HARD! The feeling is raw and intense. But I don’t know what the feeling is. I have yet to identify it. I do know this, I HATE IT.

I am so happy. I am so in love. I have an amazing life. But something died when I had that affair and destroyed my family. I committed emotional suicide in 2005 and there are times that I grieve the old me, not just my old life. I miss the innocence. i wish I didn’t know what it felt like. I wish I didn’t know the pain. Sometimes I think it changed me for the better. I am a better wife this time around. I am a better mother. But being here in Utah, being in the Kmart parking lot and watching my family drive away from me, it’s so painful and it feels like I am living through it all over again.

….and that is where I am at right now at this moment. I am wondering WHY IN THE HELL we came to Utah.

Deep Breath

Tomorrow is a new day.

22 Comments »

14 Jul

It just so happens we are a traveling circus and more bull shit to deal with

Posted by Sandi in Utah, blended families., blogging, divorce, family

I need some help, some advice, and a listening ear or two.

I knew I could count on you.

I have changed my mind about my high school reunion. I am going. I caved AGAIN to peer pressure! I am seriously weak. I called and cried to the reunion committee and they let me buy tickets. Thank you Kristen, Kirk, Aimee, and Michelle. I know I am a pain in the ass, that much has not changed. I can’t wait to see you all on Thursday night and Friday night and Saturday at the pool.

I was supposed to fly the kids, five of them, to Utah to visit their father on Monday. I decided since I was going to the beehive state anyway, I might as well drive up and bring the kids with me and let their father have them a few days early. ( I know, I am nice.) Well, that thought was nice, but The Ex refused to allow me to deliver the kids to him on Saturday night because I was ruining his plans.

(deep breath)

Let’s keep in mind that I am arriving in Utah on Thursday, and not leaving Utah until Saturday. So it’s not like I was expecting him to "babysit" them. I just wanted to save twelve hundred dollars in airfare and spend some extra time with the kids before I send them off for two weeks. But, he didn’t care, he refused to work with me.

Enter Brandon- He was pissed! The Ex doesn’t pay for the children’s travel, we do. He doesn’t care if bringing them two days early saves us any money, but Brandon sure as hell cares. Brandon called him and said, "You pay the six hundred dollars I could have saved bringing them one way, or take them two days early." It was really a whole lot more involved than that, but I will spare you all the gory details. The Ex, of course, chose to have the children two days early. Which is exactly what he should have wanted in the first place.

What this little fight did do for us is open our eyes to the stupidity of us paying for the kids to see their father. We are now DONE paying for the the kids to visit The Ex. If he wants to see them he can fly them up, or drive down here and spend time with them. I do not know any custodial parent that pays for travel to visit the non-custodial parent. Am I wrong?

I have plans on Friday night that Brandon is included in. It’s the actual reunion dinner. My mom and sister are going to a concert that night. Do any of you Utah friends want to play with Hunter, Hadley, Jace, Jazzi and Kate on Friday evening? This is the easiest crew I have, so I am happy to share them because I love you people. If I had any of the special eddies, I wouldn’t ask, because I love you people. But these five are a JOY!

They are old enough to hang out in the Hotel and watch movie, but isn’t that bad mother like?

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I had this entire post written and ready to publish, and then, via TEXT message, I got in a fight with my mother. If you are a full time reader you know my mother and I are like oil and water. I am now debating whether I even want to attend the reunion, because I don’t want to be in the same state as her. I can’t stand the way that woman makes me feel. Why is it that a person I haven’t lived with for 20 years can make me feel worse than anyone else on the planet? She makes my blood boil and makes my tummy churn. I literally have been moments from puking this past hour. My hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, I am sweating and fretting, and this time I can’t call it generalized anxiety. This time I can call it "MY MOTHER!"

Let me tell you all how this happened, but please if you are not interested in DRAMA, stop reading now. I would also encourage anyone that knows my mother, or who is related to me, close your window, turn off your computer and stop reading my blog, you will not like what you are about to read.

The rest of you are welcome to read this and I am happy to hear your thoughts. (If they match mine exactly)

I have asked my mother multiple times to stop visiting my kids at The Ex’s house when they are there. For four years we have been having this conversation. We have offered to fly her here anytime she wants to come. We have offered to fly the kids up to spend time just with her, We have offered to all come up and spend the weekend at her house. BUT, when The Ex has the kids, it’s his time, with his family, not her time. The Ex shouldn’t have to spend his two weeks of the year making sure the kids see all the grandma’s.

My side of the family=my time.

His side of the family=his time.

I am also uncomfortable with the role my mother still plays in The Ex’s life, and vice versa. We have had conversation after conversation about how it feels disrespectful to Brandon when she is still inviting my Ex to family functions, whether he has the kids or not. For God’s sake he was invited to my little brothers wedding. We put our foot down and refused to attend. Little brother made it clear that, if lines in the sand were drawn, he was on The Ex’s side. Needless to say, I am not close to my family, lines have been drawn again and again and all we do is fight. I know where I stand and how the entire family feels about me and my parenting and my blog. The Ex just wants to be everyone’s friend and plumber so he never says a word and never turns down a free meal or a job.

Maybe this is helping you all understand the bigger picture of why we packed our little family up and moved out of UTAH!

The fight tonight started as a TEXT asking my mom if she would be interested in seeing the kids on Friday night. She texted back that she was going to George Strait, but that the kids were welcome to sleep over and she would see them in the morning. I replied and asked her if I could call her.

I am now going to copy word for word the conversation.

MOM: "No, I WILL CALL YOU LATER!"

ME: "okay, I am just trying to make plans."

MOM: "I’ll have to see the kids another time. I won’t be home either day. sorry."

ME: "No Problem. Maybe next year."

MOM: "won’t they be up to their dad’s next week?"

ME: "yep, but you know we don’t want you visiting them with him. We have discussed this with you at least ten times."

MOM: "Why? That is stupid. What difference does that make? You deprive your kids from their grandparents and cousins for what purpose?"

ME: "So I can enjoy sharing them with my family. I tried to share them with you, and you had other plans. That’s fine. I shared them with you in April. I offered to fly you here anytime. You can see them anytime with me and brandon. That’s the way it is. When you go around us it makes the kids and (ex’s name) uncomfortable because they know how we feel about it. Brandon is very happy to talk to you about this if you would like to call him. I know you aren’t currently talking to me, he wonders if it would help to talk with him"

MOM: "You are seriously messed. You blog about how well you and (ex’s name) handle sharing the kids. far from it. You have alienated them from their whole family because of your petty jealously."

ME: "I will blog this conversation tomorrow. You are priceless."

MOM: "It won’t change my mind. Everyone thinks its horrible. You are only hurting the kids. This has nothing to do with my feelings for Brandon. You are wrong and I don’t give a rats ass what your bloggers say. You just tell them a distorted version anyway."

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So there you have the fight.

Brandon, my unflappable rock, got hot under the collar again, (twice in one day)and pounded out an email to my mother telling her the same shit we have been telling her for over four years.

My kids don’t have a relationship with my mom. She is not a "grandma", she is their mom’s mother. It’s not like she is trying to facilitate a relationship of any sort in this house with my kids. She doesn’t call the kids, or email the kids, She mails them a card on their birthdays that usually arrives a week or two late. She is stubborn and bull headed and that is about the only thing we have in common. Yet, she still had the power to make me bawl like a two year old and say the "f" word like it doesn’t matter. She makes me insane!! She makes me want to be a better mom and an even better Grandma. She makes me want to blog the shit out of her and the hell she puts me through. But I swear to God, in less than ten minutes after I post this, I will have four emails or text messages from my mothers children spewing hate and mental diagnoses at me.

It’s been a day from fucking hell.

I know why my father is an alcoholic.

59 Comments »

06 May

Where did the phrase “That scared the shit out of me” come from?

Posted by Sandi in Brandon, blended families.

I have been terrified plenty of times in my life on all emotional and physical levels. NEVER once have I pooped my pants over the fear or even had to run to the toilet.

However, there is no greater laxative in the world than marital issues. The phrase should be “That upset the shit out of me”. Can you all start saying it that way so I don’t need to worry about ever having the shit scared out of me? It’s hard enough crying and pooping. I can’t imagine screaming and pooping.

I spent the night on the toilet. The. Entire. Night.

Enough said…. for now.

22 Comments »

14 Apr

Healing in Utah

Posted by Sandi in Utah, blended families., divorce

I did pretty damn good in Utah. I was prepared for the breakdown. I had myself geared up just in case. I am notorious for emotional breakdowns, and nostalgia is a fast ticket there.

I saw my Ex and Brandon’s Ex. TWICE. We even visited for a minute. I didn’t throw myself on the bed and sob after either one of them left. It’s been days at this point, and I haven’t replayed all of the conversations over and over. I haven’t sniffled or choked up even once. Do you know what this must mean? It means I am healing. I really believe I am.

TIME. It just takes time. It also helped that the entire trip was on my time and on my terms. I didn’t feel trapped, or forced to spend time with anyone, or share kids with anyone. It was all my doing and my sharing. I liked that.

I didn’t drive by the old house, or even the neighborhood. I am taking things slow. Baby steps seem to be the best way to do this.

I didn’t feel like both sets of kids would be better off in a nuclear family. I didn’t look at their faces and only see pain. I didn’t put my feelings on them, or grieve all over again. I just felt like life was good and the kids were right where they’re supposed to be. Visiting the parents they were visiting and living with the parents they should be.

The kids came home from spending four days with the Ex and the Nanny and announced that the Nanny has another baby in her tummy. I didn’t die like I did the first time. I didn’t even cringe. Well, maybe a little. But I can truly say that I am happy for them and hope they have many more kids.

As time goes on and healing takes place, forgiveness pushes it’s way in. I’m healing, growing, and finding much needed peace. This doesn’t mean I won’t come crashing down in a thousand pieces tomorrow, or next week or even a year from now. But right here, right now, I am doing okay. I vowed to blog the good stuff as much as possible, and this is bloggable good stuff.

I learned from Brandon’s ex this past week that she is healing too, and doesn’t hold me responsible for the demise of her marriage. Years ago, she had called me “The other woman” and I grabbed that title and owned it. I had felt plenty of times that The Nanny was the other woman. So I knew how Brandon’s ex felt and wore the title in shame.

Because of conversations in the beginning of our relationship, I know my Ex blamed Brandon for moving in too fast and not giving him a chance to consider returning. Brandon’s ex blamed me for the same thing and I blamed The Nanny. We all wanted it to be someone else’s fault. None of us wanted to just flat out say, “I wouldn’t take you back even if you wanted me to.” That was too cruel and too harsh, even in the beginning to say. If we felt that way, we didn’t say it. We blamed other people and circumstances.

I believe that all of the blaming caused more damage to all of us rather than if we had just called the spade a spade and moved on. It left doubts in all of our minds; it allowed us all to be the reason that families weren’t intact.

I have regrets about plenty of things, I add to my list daily. But this trip seemed to give some clarity and peace to both our divorces. I have ZERO regrets about seeing the Ex’s on this trip. I am counting this vacation as a blessing. Borrowing Rascal Flatts words, “I’m moving on.”

27 Comments »

02 Apr

Fools

Posted by Sandi in blended families., the affair

April fools day holds a special significance to me. It was the day, four years ago to be exact, that I crossed the final line in my marriage. The. Actual. Physical. Line. I had crossed plenty of other lines prior to that one, but it was April 1^st when the actual physical affair started and ended, all in one emotional weekend.

April Fools day is just that, a day for fools. Count me amongst them. I was a fool for multiple reasons. I was a fool because I thought things would be better with someone else, somewhere else. I had the ‘grass is always greener’ thing going on. And after fifteen years of marriage, 13 kids, a stressful business, a workaholic husband….The sparks had long died. It was EASY to get caught up in the tummy twirling, heart pitter-patting, feelings for a new someone. I WAS SUCH A FOOL!

It’s hard to be here, where I am now, and wish I had never done it. If I could undo that one mistake, where would I be today? Would I be happy? Would the kids be in a better place? There are so many unknowns. It’s getting easier to forgive myself, and feel like I am where I am supposed to be and with the man I am supposed to be with. But I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t stepped out. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I have been given a second chance, one I probably don’t deserve. When I met Brandon, on the side of the road, after being separated for only 6 weeks, I was in NO POSITION to fall in love. I was still trying to get over the boyfriend from the affair, and the spouse of fifteen years. But I believe fate stepped in and blessed me with a person that would love me in spite of all my insanity/instability and love and embrace all the baggage (13 kids) that came with me. Why would anyone in his right mind want to be with me? I still haven’t figured it out, but I am beyond blessed and grateful for the man I met on that gorgeous day in May.

I am going to take this little paragraph and clarify a few things about our past. When I started this blog, my parents, my best friends in Utah, and my big kids at school were my only readers. There was no reason to start at the beginning or explain things to readers. My readers all knew me and watched this entire drama and story unfold. I treated this like an online journal and a way to share the going ons of this house with the people we love that don’t see us everyday. WHEW. That being said… After being slaughtered on the hate blog, I’ve discovered that people think, and I know I have given them this impression, that I stole Brandon away from his first marriage. I want to take this moment to share with all of you readers, and future readers, that I didn’t break up Brandon’s first marriage. His marriage was beyond repair when I met him. He hadn’t been living in the martial home for months. He was further ahead than I was in the demise of his union.

I share often all of our issues. I am sure I will continue to, because it helps me to get it out there, and it doesn’t bother him. BUT I don’t plan to share Brandon’s personal life before he met me. I don’t plan to share the relationship Brandon has with his boys from his first family, his relationship with the ex wife, past or present, or his family of birth. This is Brandon’s story and if he wants to blog about it, he has my blessing.

I just wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t a double home-wrecker. I own the fact that I wrecked my home. I have worn the Scarlet letter for exactly four years and it still hasn’t gone away. It has faded, and there are days that I think, one day, I may forgive myself. That day may come. But for now, fours years later, I still see it and I still feel it. The part I can’t erase and the reason I say things like, “I stole Brandon from his family”, is that prior to moving in with me, he played a huge role in the upbringing of his sons, When he moved in with me, shit hit the fan, “ Good Utah Mormon boys don’t move in with women.” PERIOD. The relationship he had with his children changed, though it wasn’t my fault, it was because of our actions. I feel badly that it’s a loss for him. But divorce sucks. My children’s father lost his kids too. I will say it again so everybody knows. DIVORCE SUCKS!

I didn’t intend to ramble on this long and this wasn’t a post I even cared to write, but after the accusations and hatred that I read over the weekend, I wanted to make sure that my current readers know my story. I also shared a bit about our meeting in these posts here and here. I know we breed drama. We’ve done a hundred things wrong from the get go and I have a habit of airing the dirty laundry. Our relationship, at times, is a train wreck, but we always come out on top. I don’t know any marriage that is without drama, I guess mine is just plastered all over the Internet. I will try and share the good stuff more often. Damn I wish I could write the good stuff as well as I can the shit!

23 Comments »