Hello everyone. It’s Bronson. I’m guest blogging here today to set the record straight. It seems as though everyone has their own opinions as to how I am doing, what my future holds, whether or not I’m stable, and whether or not my family is doing what’s best for me.
But before I get too far into any of that, I would like to thank everyone who has been supportive of me. My family, my friends, and my girlfriend mean everything to me. They have been loving, kind, caring, and they have ALWAYS been there for me. To all those who love me out there, I’m sorry that I scared the shit out of you a few weeks ago. I love you all and I never meant to traumatize any of you. I wouldn’t trade any of you crazy people for all the riches in the world. You’re the best support group I could ask for. Ever. I love you all.
Now it seems as though many of you people out there in the universe are overly concerned that I am a sad weepy mess, teetering on the verge of another suicide attempt. That’s not true at all. Now I can understand why many of you would believe this. Suicide and sadness usually go hand-in-hand. And yes, it’s true that I struggle with depression, but nothing that any of you commenters say, nor anything that my mother types about me on her blog is going to send me over the edge into another suicidal frenzy. Not now. Not twenty years from now. Not ever. Seriously. All you worriers need to take a chill pill and get off my mother’s back and mine. Thanks.
“But, Bronson,” I’m sure many of you are asking, “Why did you try to commit suicide if you’re not a sad and weepy mess?” Well, dearest readers, I tried to kill myself because I’m a selfish asshole who found life too hard, too repetitive, too predictable, and too stupid to go on. To me, life is like the board game Monopoly. It takes too long, it’s never fair, you go in mindless circles, and you scramble over paper money that only has value because you believe it does.
Imagine me, sitting there, playing this Monopoly game of life. I’m getting a bunch of shitty rolls, I can’t buy anything I want because I’m low on fake money, everything is unfair, and I’ve spent eighteen years playing this stupid game. I try looking for meaning in this board game, but I’ve come to recognize that it’s nothing more than a big shitty circle in which all the players fight over shit that doesn’t matter.
Talk about lame!
My suicide attempt was that board game equivalent of throwing my money down, shouting “Fuck this game,” and making a big scene about quitting to let everyone know how pissed I was. Unfortunately, in this world, when you threaten to stop playing Monopoly, you get locked in the psych ward for a few days.
I didn’t try to end my life because I was miserable. I tried to end my life because I was pissed and impulsive. Maybe, on some subconscious level, my suicide attempt was nothing more than a cry for help. But regardless of whether or not I was trying to get help, I got it. After attempting suicide, I got new meds, a therapist, a few days in the psych ward, a few weeks of outpatient programs, and lots of support from my family and friends across the globe.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve looked back at my Monopoly board of life. The game is still stupid and unfair, long and repetitive, predictable and obnoxious, but I’ve realized that my Monopoly metaphor doesn’t work as well as I’d like. If you quit a board game, you have an opportunity to read a book, or watch TV, or build a skyscraper for all I care. But if you quit on life, you lose all those opportunities. No more good times, no more fun, no more happiness, no more life, no more nothing.
I still think life sucks, but NOT living sucks even more. If I throw a bitch-fit and give up on life, I’m going to hurt everyone I’ve ever cared about and leave them behind in this shitty Monopoly world. That’s some selfish bullshit!
I’m going to keep living this game of life, thankfully playing with everyone I love. I’ll always have my family and friends by my side to help me along. And I am SO SO SO thankful for that. I love these people, and I’m not going to ruin their lives by being a selfish dick. I plan on staying in this world. Besides, Monopoly isn’t that bad when you’re playing with people you love.
Sidenote: Whoever suggested “Darkness Visible” to my mother has my ultimate respect. Best book about depression ever. If anyone wants any other good reads, check out “The Stranger” or “The Myth of Sisyphus” by Albert Camus.
I’m sorry that I put you all through that obnoxious Monopoly analogy. Thank you all for your support and constructive criticism. I love you all. Except for the haters. They can go fuck themselves.
I’m too lazy to go back and edit this. Deal with it. <3
Bronson – you're definitely your mother's son… your Monopoly analogy was great, and I'm sure many out there would agree with it. You just did an amazing job of putting it into words. I'm glad you're doing better, and that you were able to write here to get some trolls off your mother's back. Regardless of what they may say, it's obvious that you and your siblings are her world, and she would never hurt you intentionally. I give you a lot of credit for being ok with her writing about you the past few weeks, and even more credit for stepping up and putting in your own two cents.
Hope things continue to improve for you…
Bravo! I rarely comment but have been praying for you and your mom and family. I like your monopoly analogy…maybe because I've played many games of monopoly with my own kids…or maybe because I can relate all too well. I am thankful to read you are doing better. I think your mom is awesome..even though I don't get to comment very often. Keep hanging in there…just so you know, the game does get better.
I've wrestled with the same thoughts before, and the only reason I didn't actually have the attempt is because I would keep picturing my mom's face if I did it (because my brother tried it, and I saw my parents' reactions). Just keep picturing your mom until your meds get straightened out. Eventually you'll even out, and then you'll have a wife and kids that will help you keep your head on straight. Plus, I always try to think about the fact that no matter how bad it is, it is ALWAYS worse for someone else.
BTW, Bronson? Maybe you should get your own blog because you've definitely inherited writing skills from your mom, and I've definitely found that mine is cathartic.
Bronson,
I think you sound like a very cool kid.
I agree about Darkness Visible. One of the best things written describing what depression is like.
And I agree with pp–you should blog.
Hang in there, Kiddo.
Bronson – BRAVO! I've been praying for you and your family. What you've gone thru and come out on the other side of is a life lesson. You're an awesome person and knowing the support system you have is a blessing. Thank you for your words.
Yeah, that's defanitely not Bronson's writing, and this comment definately won't go through but I call BS.
Hi Bronson,
I'm glad you thought 'Darkness Visible' was a worthwhile read… although I am sorry for the circumstances under which I recommended it to your Mom.
Lisa, have you met Bronson, corresponded with him, read other writings of his? I'm just curious how you "KNOW" this isn't his writing.
For all I know, there isn't any Lisa.
Well put! It sounds like you see some enjoyment from the game. I hope it gets better and you find even more things to make it fun and interesting.
Lisa honey,
You DEFINITELY need to learn how to spell.
Lisa aka Michele – GO SUCK IT!
Bronson — I'm sure you've made all who love you proud. I have a great deal of admiration for a young man your age who has the courage and self-awarness to articulate your feelings like you have.
Thank you.
Bronson,
)
I personally declined to comment on the suicide attempt post by your mother – because I know all too well what suicide attempts really mean. And your monopoly analogy was spot on. An impulsive reaction to being fed up with all the crap – that is a good summation. Most people don't understand WHY people attempt suicide. Most of the time it is a definite cry for help. I don't believe for one minute that anyone ACTUALLY wants to kill themselves. It is more that they want people to CARE that they feel that way. So, it is the last ditch attempt for LOOK AT ME. HELP ME. Because we can't think of any other option.
I applaude your bravery (and candor) to address this to the internets. I am glad that you aren't a sad weepy mess – and that you (hopefully) got it out of your system and will continue to grow and learn and figure out other ways to be fed up with everything in a more constructive and less scary way
I'm sure you will. Because you already recognize what motivated you…some people aren't that intuitive.
Who wants to bet that that isn't Bronson even writing that? How comical. It is pretty funny how Bronson has the exact same writing style as his mother. *laughs* Yeah, because it wasn't BRONSON that wrote that but his pathetic FORTY-ONE YEAR OLD botoxed mommy who wrote it.
Bronson.
"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself." – Virginia Woolf
Who the heck is Evelyn?
Bronson, I hope you find your passion because I think you are brilliant! It doesn't have to be all about chasing the paper money or collecting ugly plastic hotels. As for the haters, perhaps they should try some antipsychotics b/c the paranoid rantings are a bit out of hand!
I liked your writeup Bronson, it was very candid and introspective. Depression lays a difficult path to tread but it isn't an impassable one. Find what works for you, hon, and stick with it. Having loving family and friends is so important, but finding the diet, exercise and life's interests that work to hold you here are all important as well. I tried to hang myself in 7th grade, spur of the moment and triggered by stress, fortunately the rope snapped and I was given the chance to regain my footing on life. Life is what you make of it, yes it can be unbearably boring if you let it but out there somewhere is a job or goal or activity that will reach you, spark your interest. Perhaps the peace-core or similar organization would be a good place to start looking for what keeps you engaged? I found my peace in working with animals, and in the fields and forests and oceans of our world. Good luck hon!
I'm rooting like crazy for you, Bronson.
Bronson, so glad to see a post from you!! I have been praying for you and will continue to pray. I loved your monopoly analogy….i remember being a teen once and honestly I wished I wasn't around for the exact same reasons you listed……but I promise you…as your grow, mature and the years go by it gets better, much better. Oh and to you nay sayers, people that have their opinion of its not Bronson posting, go to hell….u all are a sad, pathetic bunch of assholes…..
Bronson,
Kate
I hope that you find happiness, hope and a way out of board game hell! I loved that analogy and
can relate…I call it being stuck in a rut or Groundhog day, but I think that your analogy did a much
better job of describing it all. For me, it did get better, even though I find myself back in that rut
sometimes. For me, finding the little joys in life has helped…and re-living childhood memories.
Some of my favorite things to do when I'm starting to get into the dumps are: obnoxiously chewing
large pieces of bubble gum and blowing the biggest bubbles possible, driving with all the windows
down on rarely used roads with the radio cranked (no matter the weather and I live in Minnesota),
sledding, swinging, if it is warm enough squishing my toes in the sand and other childish things. Don't
forget to ask for help if you need it, it sounds like you have a lot of people in your support network who
would be there to help you if you reach out. Good Luck!
I dont read this very often, but I knew Sandi pretty well a long time ago. Trust me she doesnt know Camus, the stranger or even what the Scream is. Has to be Bronson. So buy yourself a life Evelyn, or maybe some Botox. XOXO Brons.
Kassi,
Um. Bullshit. People absolutely, positively WANT TO DIE.
Pinky swear.
You've obviously never just had pain on that magnitude. Which is good. I'm glad. But please for the love of god, don't speak for people about things you seem to know nothing about. It could be damaging to people who are utterly, totally SERIOUS in their intent.
Oh, the good ole' sound of Bronson. Gotta love him.
Hope all is well!