Sitting in the emergency room on Saturday night, watching my oldest baby be poked, prodded, questioned, and watched, he says to me,
"Life is like a movie. You are born into the theater and expected to stay there your whole life. The movie is "The Love Guru." Some people find it greatly entertaining and even hysterical and others find it stupid, pointless and a waste of time. I tried walking out of the theater because I am in the latter group. LIFE IS POINTLESS."
Bronson took 2,000 mg of Zoloft on Saturday afternoon in an attempt to get out if his pointless life. An outsider may think that this kid has it all. A family who loves and adores him, an upper middle class life, a paid for college education, the world at his feet. But in fact, he is a broken one. Clinical depression doesn't care if he has everything or nothing. It can and does affect everyone. Even if you are not the one with the diagnosis, I would bet that you have been affected by someone that does.
I have never felt more helpless than I did sitting in the ER. There is nothing I can do to fix him. There is nothing I can do to make him happy. Nothing I can do to make him want to live another day. He is selfish and stubborn and done with life. All I feel is guilt for bringing him into this world. Sick to my stomach guilt. He didn't ask to be born. He didn't ask to live this life.
*sigh*
When I adopted all these kids with special needs, I spent a lot of time coming to terms with life, death, and the fairness of it all. With so many of these babies, who were so medically fragile as infants, I thought many times that death may be the easier way for them. Surgery after surgery, fighting for life with every breath… It was painful to watch. It was horrible to go through. But each and every one pulled through. Whether it was life threatening RSV, or congenital heart failure, or an allergic reaction to anesthesia I have taken each and every child home with me from that hospital alive and happy. It's the happy part that I keep thinking about. Ty, Coco, Dalin and Pickle are the happiest people in this household.
ignorance is bliss.
I will take a medically fragile, fighting for life, happy child over a sad, depressed, can't live in this world one more minute child any day of the week.
From a parenting stand point,
Dealing with suicidal children SUCKS!
I have joined Bronson on his emotional roller coaster. NOT BY CHOICE. But because of his actions. I go back and forth between, "Thank God you are okay." to "If you want to die just tell me and I will happily kill you." I am hurt and angry about his stupidity. I am frustrated by his lack of judgement. I am pissed off at his poor choices. I love him more than anything. I want nothing but the best for him. But more than anything, I want him to be happy. That is all I have ever wanted for my children, just their happiness. But it's been brought to my attention that I want them to be happy as long as they live up to societies standards. If living in a tent, smoking weed and living off the land brings Bronson happiness, why won't I let him do it? I am not stopping him from doing it, but I am not going to finance his habit, purchase his tent or drive him to the wilderness. Does that mean I truly don't want his happiness? According to him it does.
Sometimes life is HARD!
Bronson is in a fantastic facility here in Orange County. He isn't happy about it. He wants out. But moments after uttering those words, he says he wants to stay. Because at least in there he doesn't have to make any decisions about life or get a job. He isn't the most stable person on the planet, and for my sake and the sake of the rest of the family, I hope they keep him for awhile.
He spent seven hours at our ER. Once he was medically stable, they hauled him away to another facility. I couldn't go with him. He is an adult. He calls the shots. He signs the papers. Legally he does NOT need his mother. I like to think that emotionally he still does. Most of what I hear coming from him doesn't paint that picture. I am just a deterrent to his happily ever after. It will be me that will be pained to play the tough love card and watch him flounder. Coddling him didn't work. Tough love is the only other choice on the menu. It's terrifying to be the bad cop now that I know how fragile he is. If he hates life now, I don't know why he'll like it when I take away his phone and computer. Why will life be worth living if he is given an ultimatum? I am scared to death to push him, but I feel like I have no choice.
I find myself questioning everything. I want to right the wrongs and fix the issues that have played a part in his emotional breakdown. I want to fix him. I want to make him happy. I want him to find his inner peace. I want to fast forward time, and know that he is still here, and happy, twenty years from now. I want my baby back. My happy baby.
For all of you that are concerned that I am writing about my adult child…. He told me today to write whatever I wanted to about this and said, "I don't want you to think you have to ask my permission, so I am just telling you right now to blog whatever you need to."
I am going to a funeral today for an ex-coworker who just killed himself this past Monday. He had everything, as far as anyone could tell – a successful lawyer with a beautiful young family, lots of money, wonderful vacations, etc. etc. But he off'ed himself anyway. And no one saw it coming. Come to find out that he had clinical depression and had battled it for years. We don't know what pushed him over the edge, but something obviously did.
I can honestly say I find it appalling, Sandi, that you would blog about something so personal. This is BRONSON'S story. This is not YOURS to tell. It is one thing if you told people on here that you were dealing with some major issues right now, and that you needed time to sort through it, but to give intimate details of your son's suicide attempt, complete with his identifying information – including a PICTURE of him? Sure, the least of his problems might be future employers, but one day that will be a huge issue for him. Whenever he decides what to do with his life, he will have this hanging over his head. OF COURSE he shouldn't be discriminated against for his mental illness, but he WILL BE.
What I have learned from my colleague who took his life on Monday is that the littlest thing can send someone over the edge. We all wish there was something we could have done to have helped him. I can guarantee that broadcasting his mental state over the internet wouldn't have helped. Surely the reason HE kept so quiet about his mental illness was so that people would never know. It isn't something to be stigmatized, but it isn't something everyone wants the world to know. I myself have been discriminated against in the past for mental issues that I didn't even make particularly public. What do you think the repercussions of your actions will be for Bronson years down the line? Or even months down the line?
Have some common decency and take down your post.
I don't think any of you are understanding. Bronson asked me to share it. He wants it here. He is an adult and can make that request. I can decide if and when I am willing to give him what he wants. Sitting in the ER on Saturday, he said, "go home and blog." I told him I wasn't going to go home and blog. I was going home to stress and stew and possibly cry myself to sleep, if sleep ever came, but I wasn't going to write.
He said, "well you have my permission to share this."
The following day at visiting hours in the unit, the first thing he asked was if I had blogged. People are doubting this, but it is the honest to God truth. I told him I hadn't blogged about it, but when I did I was going to title it "Brains are only for looks." He laughed and thought that was hilarious and then said AGAIN. "Don't bother asking my permission just blog about whatever you need to."
Bronson wants this post here. He is happy with this post here. I don't understand the extent of WHY. I don't know if it's for attention, or to reach friends of his that he knows read my blog. It may simply be for me. I don't know. I don't care why. But I am not going to push the issue, I have talked to him about the potential downside of it being here. He is willing to take those risks. He is in extensive and intensive therapy. He may have spoken with his team of professionals about how he feels and about this public forum where his story/my story is posted, I am not sure, but I know that how he feels should be all that matters.
Why everyone continues to tell me to remove this post is beyond me. Don't you think I would have taken it down by now if I was listening to my readers? I am only listening to Bronson. PERIOD.
He knows I enjoy sharing. He knows I don't pretend life is all roses. He knows it is therapeutic for me to air the dirty laundry, maybe he feels the same way.
wow. You are amazing.
Your 18 year old son is NOT an adult. Not only that, but he he is even less of an adult when he is in a mental ward with a treatment team. This is beyond you? You enjoy sharing this? I have read every single post you have published and of all of the out there stuff you have written about, you treat a suicide attempt in the same way you treat Pickle's extensions and are mystified why anyone would be offended and concerned about how you have handled this. wow.
I would never say I will stop reading you, because you have my attention now more than ever. I can't wait to see how you handle the next thing. Please take a moment and remember how naive and stupid you were at 18; be the adult in this.
My 18 yo daughter thought it was wrong to you to post this. I didn't feel the same
as she did. I know you have brains and if he was
okay with it then so be it. Don't worry about what others think. You know you, and your family, and you do
what is best for you.
Oh Sandi… my heart goes out to you both. I see my teenager, in so much pain, so angry, so scared by life, so depressed, and I want nothing more than to snap my fingers and make him happy. It's a horrible feeling, leaving you (me) wondering what I did wrong, what I can possibly do to make it better for him. Dealing with a handicapped child is so much easier in that sense. While I can't fix either of them, I don't feel like a failure because of Chris' special needs. The teenager's pain and anger? That breaks my heart. I hope things improve for you both, I know how hard this is.
I kind-of get this. To NOT blog this event would be a betrayal to your son at this point.
Sandi, and you can do whatever you want, and this is the first time I ever visited your blog, sent here by the www police to judge if you had "gone too far", but I do think that you should compromise.
Like, maybe take-down all the identifying info, or if it cannot be done like that, change/delete all mention sometime in the (near) future. I think that wordpad even has a "replacer" thingy, I know that there are Firefox add-ons that do it, where all you have to do is send blocks of text through and change one phrase or word, like, "suicide", to something else, like, "the scary event."
But-back to why I cannot go along with popular opinion. I really DO get this. You post here about what your children and family is up to. Unfortunately, your son Bronson is having a hard time, a very hard time of it.
So much so, that it brought you to this "scary event". Maybe its too bad that most 18 year old children usually don't do anything cute. Sometimes, they graduate High-School, and we can brag about that, but nothing I would call as "cute" as the photos of the little ones. In your situation, to NOT post your son's "event", or maybe I should call it a "happening", would almost be like not giving him your unconditional love, at a time when its crucial in his life.
Oh and Bronson, since, (luckily for you), you will be able to read these comments someday, all I can say about that is PUH-LEEZE don't ever even allow yourself to think about that again. My doctor wanted to prescribe a drug for me one time that had a "black box" warning on it, like accutane, that says to be careful because some people commited suicide after taking it. When I told my doctor that I was afraid to take anything that could do that to me, he said that it mostly happened to young people who haven't lived long enough or had enough experience to know that yes, there are dark times, but that IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER.
That's what you need to know Brandon, the next time that you feel well enough to say to yourself, "wow, I'm really glad I didn't kill myself, its good to be alive.", is the "vaccine" that you need to give yourself, and hold that time in your heart for those dark times or moments or days. Because that's how it goes, good times and bad times, and really good times, and maybe really bad times, and even though its tough getting-through the bad times, if you can just hang in there, the good times will return. And you will be glad to be alive for them.
I'm glad to have found your writings here. CL brought me here (I google her now and then to make sure she is not back to writing shit about me), but you have so much to offer… I am not only a CL survivor of years ago, but a survivor of clinical depression, and several overdoses. I am also a writer. So, 1st reading your posts about CL made me feel connected to you (and the many others she's haunted over the years since she first entered my life). But now, reading these posts about suicide… I feel even more connected to you (I personally know 2 people who have committed suicide). I wish your son the best… and, by the way, he's not only intelligent (loved the quote you gave of his description of life) but he's also a beautiful young man.
Peace.