Archive for January, 2010
Hello everyone. It’s Bronson. I’m guest blogging here today to set the record straight. It seems as though everyone has their own opinions as to how I am doing, what my future holds, whether or not I’m stable, and whether or not my family is doing what’s best for me.
But before I get too far into any of that, I would like to thank everyone who has been supportive of me. My family, my friends, and my girlfriend mean everything to me. They have been loving, kind, caring, and they have ALWAYS been there for me. To all those who love me out there, I’m sorry that I scared the shit out of you a few weeks ago. I love you all and I never meant to traumatize any of you. I wouldn’t trade any of you crazy people for all the riches in the world. You’re the best support group I could ask for. Ever. I love you all.
Now it seems as though many of you people out there in the universe are overly concerned that I am a sad weepy mess, teetering on the verge of another suicide attempt. That’s not true at all. Now I can understand why many of you would believe this. Suicide and sadness usually go hand-in-hand. And yes, it’s true that I struggle with depression, but nothing that any of you commenters say, nor anything that my mother types about me on her blog is going to send me over the edge into another suicidal frenzy. Not now. Not twenty years from now. Not ever. Seriously. All you worriers need to take a chill pill and get off my mother’s back and mine. Thanks.
“But, Bronson,” I’m sure many of you are asking, “Why did you try to commit suicide if you’re not a sad and weepy mess?” Well, dearest readers, I tried to kill myself because I’m a selfish asshole who found life too hard, too repetitive, too predictable, and too stupid to go on. To me, life is like the board game Monopoly. It takes too long, it’s never fair, you go in mindless circles, and you scramble over paper money that only has value because you believe it does.
Imagine me, sitting there, playing this Monopoly game of life. I’m getting a bunch of shitty rolls, I can’t buy anything I want because I’m low on fake money, everything is unfair, and I’ve spent eighteen years playing this stupid game. I try looking for meaning in this board game, but I’ve come to recognize that it’s nothing more than a big shitty circle in which all the players fight over shit that doesn’t matter.
Talk about lame!
My suicide attempt was that board game equivalent of throwing my money down, shouting “Fuck this game,” and making a big scene about quitting to let everyone know how pissed I was. Unfortunately, in this world, when you threaten to stop playing Monopoly, you get locked in the psych ward for a few days.
I didn’t try to end my life because I was miserable. I tried to end my life because I was pissed and impulsive. Maybe, on some subconscious level, my suicide attempt was nothing more than a cry for help. But regardless of whether or not I was trying to get help, I got it. After attempting suicide, I got new meds, a therapist, a few days in the psych ward, a few weeks of outpatient programs, and lots of support from my family and friends across the globe.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve looked back at my Monopoly board of life. The game is still stupid and unfair, long and repetitive, predictable and obnoxious, but I’ve realized that my Monopoly metaphor doesn’t work as well as I’d like. If you quit a board game, you have an opportunity to read a book, or watch TV, or build a skyscraper for all I care. But if you quit on life, you lose all those opportunities. No more good times, no more fun, no more happiness, no more life, no more nothing.
I still think life sucks, but NOT living sucks even more. If I throw a bitch-fit and give up on life, I’m going to hurt everyone I’ve ever cared about and leave them behind in this shitty Monopoly world. That’s some selfish bullshit!
I’m going to keep living this game of life, thankfully playing with everyone I love. I’ll always have my family and friends by my side to help me along. And I am SO SO SO thankful for that. I love these people, and I’m not going to ruin their lives by being a selfish dick. I plan on staying in this world. Besides, Monopoly isn’t that bad when you’re playing with people you love.
Sidenote: Whoever suggested “Darkness Visible” to my mother has my ultimate respect. Best book about depression ever. If anyone wants any other good reads, check out “The Stranger” or “The Myth of Sisyphus” by Albert Camus.
I’m sorry that I put you all through that obnoxious Monopoly analogy. Thank you all for your support and constructive criticism. I love you all. Except for the haters. They can go fuck themselves.
I’m too lazy to go back and edit this. Deal with it. <3
Jasmine picked the winning number this time, number 102. Chasity has been contacted to play. GOOD LUCK!
Brandon- cold hard cash
Sandi- money money money$$$
Bronson- BOOKS ($250 dollar gift card to amazon)
Shaylee- Photography and music ($250 gift card to best buy)
Hunter- Ipod touch
Ty- Tickets to a sporting event in your area
Hadley- Gift card valued at $275 for day at the spa
Jayden- Nintendo Wii
Colby- Nintendo Wii
Dalin- $250 gift card to Home Depot
Jace- $250 to Dicks Sporting goods
Jasmine- New Clothes (gift card to Nordstrom)
Kate-New clothes (gift card to gap)
Pickle- Loves FOOD (gift cards to restaurants)
Parker- Loves to eat ($250 in groceries.)
Ellie-Likes comfort (we will pay $400 of your utilities)
Sailor Grace likes to cry-(I will pay for a session of therapy)
Can I get a winner this time? PLEASE!!
We will draw the contestant Sunday afternoon. I will email the person that is chosen to play and we will set up a time to call you. I will ask you one question about our family. If you answer it correctly, you will pick a prize from the list above. If you get it wrong, I will send a fifty dollar amazon card just for playing.
All you have to do is leave a comment, right here, right now. Contest ends Sunday at 4pm pacific.
Remember only one entry per person.
*My children are not allowed to enter this contest.
Please tell me something about yourself. I have loved getting to know you. When I posted a few weeks ago about Bronson I wasn't in the frame of mind to wrap my brain around all the comments and emails. I have since gone back and read every word. Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. I love learning about my readers. I wish I had more time to read all of your blogs and respond to every email and comment. But I know you know how busy I am. Thank God for my Blackberry.
If you can't think of something to write, here are a few questions to choose from.
Besides your family and friends, what can't you live without?
What's your favorite season and why?
What do you do in your spare time?
Do you watch the Superbowl for the game or the commercials?
Spill your guts folks. I have all weekend to read these suckers. BUT PLEASE REMEMBER, ONE ENTRY PER PERSON.
PS- Parker slept all night long!!
28
Jan
Musical rooms
We have lived in this house for exactly five weeks and we are already moving kids around. This is a regular occurrence for this household, since the family dynamics are always shifting. Family members come and go, new babies arrive, sibling relationships change, and so do roommates.
Today's musical room game was not brought on by any of the above mentioned reasons. Today's juggle is courtesy of Parker and his new-found discovery of my bed. I have the world's most fabulous bed and Parker has discovered a weak link in his parents. I am usually so GOOD at crib training. At four months old I let the babies cry themselves to sleep and teach them very early on to stay in their bed all night long. I pride myself on fabulous sleepers that ALL go to their own bed and fall asleep on their own at bedtime! YAY me.
*
*
Until Parker came into my life…..
This kid is going to be the death of me! He gets away with MURDER, and all because he is SO. DAMN. CUTE. ( Not that my other kids weren't as cute, but they may not have been so charming.) We tuck all the kids in at seven on a school night. Parker snuggles down, has his red blanket, aka "red," under his arm, and his thumb in his mouth, and we walk out the door. He doesn't make a peep. We think he is asleep, BUT by 7:20, he is sitting between us. He doesn't pitch a fit, or even cry, he just climbs quietly out of his crib, opens his door, tiptoes out of his room, dragging "red", thumb still in mouth, and climbs right on up on the couch where we are sitting. Brandon usually says, "What are you doing out of bed?" To which Parker signs, "later." And we just think he is the cats meow, so we let him hang with us for a bit and re-tuck him in "later."
Have I mentioned lately how damn cute he is?
Anyway, the past few nights this is happening at 1 am, 2 am, 4 am…. You get where I am going with this? And we are simply too tired to haul his butt back to bed, so he just snuggles in between and goes to sleep. I love sleeping with babies. The more the merrier. When I married Brandon, that all changed. Brandon came to this family with a "no kids in his bed" rule. I married him anyway. I told you all I made sacrifices, that was the ONE.
So Brandon is softening and Parker is gaining power over us very quickly.
In an effort to make Brandon's life easier, we are moving Parker into the nursery. It is attached to our room with it's own private staircase. He is going to join Ellie up there, and maybe that alone will make him think twice about leaving his crib. He will now, for the first time in his life, have a roommate.
This could end up being the biggest waste of time, or the best decision of our lives. I am not sure yet. But for now, I am off to move his crib down one flight of stairs and up another. If this move is a success, and Parker and Ellie share well together, and Parker stays in his crib, then I will probably move Ellie to Parker's room. Or, I may move Kate and Jazzi to that room and give Pickle her own room….. So many possibilities.
Stay tuned for more musical rooms as we still try and find the right place for everything and everyone in the new house.
After this morning's shuffle, this is the room situation.
Bronson and Hunter
Hadley
Jayden, Colby, and Jace
Jazzi, Kate, and Pickle
Empty room
Dalin and TY
Ellie and Parker in the nursery
Sailor Grace has fifteen more days of "up all night long, bottles when she wants them, half the night on her mom's chest because mom is too exhausted to walk ten feet to her crib," cushy life. AND then, we endure 4 days of hell, horror, and "thank God she is the last one," awful nights. But she will will come out knowing how to sleep all night long and will move upstairs to the nursery with her fellow siblings.
I feel it necessary to make you all aware of the dangers of using this cleanser as all over body wash….
I haven't been able to sit down for an hour.
Citrus should NOT be used in anything that could possibly be used between the legs.
If blogging about my stupidity saves only one of you, it will be worth it.
Shower carefully friends!
26
Jan
Fear
I have so many things that need to be shared… I would love to update you on Bronson, share things about his journey and let all of you, that honestly care, know of his progress, but the outrage and internet suckage have left me with a really yucky taste in my mouth. So for now, I will wait.
I spent most of the weekend sulking, pouting and being really pissed off that I had to deal with that shit. I have enough shit in my life without adding the one thing that's supposed to be a joy to the shit list. Blogging as a hobby is supposed to be FUN! Yeah right!
I have had ZERO desire to unload here. This has been the fourth time I have been a victim on Chicken Liver's site, and I HATE IT! Internet BULLIES must be stopped. They are mean, snarky, and horrible. In an attempt to make the world a better place, I have an appointment tomorrow to get a little botox. God forbid the mother with fifteen kids, and an insane business, look a little rough around the edges.
I was going back and forth on whether to write the "farewell post" or just hit the delete button. I have been blue! Yes, I have been here before and I have either written myself out of it, or started my period, one way or the other I have been able to pull myself out of the funk.
Today, I credit Loralee. I adore this woman so much. Go over and read her post today.
DId you read it? If you don't read it, you won't understand what I am saying, so go now, I will wait.
If I give up, if I let these idiots win, I will be telling the world, "I am a coward." Truthfully, I am afraid. I don't like being hated, it's not my favorite thing. But if I lack the courage to continue sharing my story the way I want to share it, I am a wimp. Mother's of fifteen are not wimpy.
Thank you Loralee for giving a far more eloquent voice to my thoughts than I ever could.
I am terrified.
I am scared.
I am fearful.
BUT I AM NOT A COWARD!
I will continue sharing.
I will continue writing.
and I will continue doing both honestly.
*deep breath*
and just in case you didn't know me…….
21
Jan
let me explain
It's hair-do day today. I have left this hair in an absolute disarray for multiple reasons.
1-Bronson
2-Brandon loves the "Fro and a Bow" style
3-and most importantly this….
This was December 23rd…. I don't think enough time has passed for either one of us to forget.
It starts out okay.
She gets a treat.
It helps dull the pain.
But by the end…
That lollipop isn't doing squat!
Her hair-do is done.
Totally finished.
But she is so heartbroken she can hardly pull herself together.
This is my favorite. She forces the "cheese" through her tears.
And then she starts all over again.
I hate breaking her heart.
Seems like being a mom (lately) is full of heartache.
Poor baby! It's gut wrenching.
Just looking at this picture is making me re-think the entire thing.
Maybe daddy is onto something with the whole "fro and a bow" look.
*Hair-do shots by Shaylee
Baby Boy-
You still, eight years later, have possession of my heart and soul. You are an amazing young man. I have NO IDEA how you turned into a young man…. I feel like I should still be looking for your binky. Speaking of that binky…. man you loved that thing. It's been out of your life for exactly six years. I hope I didn't do any permanent damage by taking it away.
I am so proud of you Jace. You are a great helper, an amazing example, a phenomenal athlete, and a fabulous son. I also need to add what a great brother you are. You have perfected the art of being both the big brother and the little brother simultaneously. That is not easy to do.
You are sluffing school to stay home with me today. We can go to lunch and go shopping for God knows what, and spend some time hanging out. I LOVE doing birthdays with you! Where are we going to eat? What are you going to buy at the store? It's so much fun for me to see what you will choose to do.
Speaking of fun, it's the year of birthday parties. Last year we didn't do "friend" parties. This year? Heck yeah! Saturday at Scooter's jungle with your entire class. What a blast! I love watching you with your friends. You are an amazing friend. Did you know that I get emails and phone calls from your friend's parents telling me how sweet you are? That makes me so proud of you. What that says to me, is that even when you think nobody is paying attention to you and your actions, you still choose the right. You are a sweet boy all of the time, not just when you think you are being watched by me or the teacher. I love that about you. Keep doing it!
I love you so much. You are my Alabama boy. I will always remember meeting you for the first time. It felt like I had known you for years when I saw you that day. I think God knew we belonged together. I am so glad you found your way to me. Thank you for being such a great kid. I love you Jace Carter.
Love, mom
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!!