In my current marriage there is only one rule, the "Golden" one. We treat each other the way we would want to be treated. It seems so easy doesn’t it?
I have NO rules to rebel against. But, if there is something I am doing that Brandon doesn’t like, he is fearful to tell me for fear I will kick into my ‘old life mode’ and do whatever he doesn’t want me to do, double time. This has been the topic of many many discussions and though I have always told him how I used to behave, (because I didn’t respect my first husband or my marriage and I was VERY immature.) I haven’t behaved this way in my current marriage. I don’t think I could If I wanted to. Honestly, I love Brandon and respect him and I VALUE and CHERISH this marriage. I have been down the hellish road once, I do not want to go there ever again.
I sent Brandon an email last night telling him that I deleted my twitter account and was prepared if he needed me to, to turn off the comments on my blog so I wouldn’t be interacting with anyone. Since I get so bothered and all flipping my lid about him interacting with people on the internet. I should show him the same respect by stopping the things that I am asking him to stop. Fair? Fair.
But the email I got in return was not what I had excepted at all. He said my blog had turned into "social networking on steroids." and you know what? He is right. I write and you all comment back. I read you and comment on your page too. We email back forth as well. l had the best time meeting the people that went to BlogHer. I have become life long friends with Loralee. I have had many fun lunches and dinners with people I have met in the bloggy world here in SoCal …..and I have become my VERY worst nightmare.
What if the tables were turned? What if this was Brandon doing everything I was doing? I’ll tell you what, I don’t think I’d still be here. I would have plunged into the pacific and swam off with the dolphins. Which means, in case you don’t know, I would die!
I read his email at 2:50AM and I’ve been up and awake and out of my mind ever since. I bawled like a baby. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. The thing I love most in the world, second only to my family, is this blog. I LOVE IT. I have invested so much of my heart and soul into this thing. I love writing. I love sharing. I love looking at my beautiful kids in these pictures that cover these pages. I feel much like it is something I have given birth to. I created this thing. I nurtured it and I have watched it grow. And now, I am face to face with the DELETE button and I AM SCREAMING IN PAIN!
At 4:30 this morning I deleted my blogroll. I bawled my eyes out. I quietly said good-bye to over one hundred people I love dearly. I have been reading these "friends" for a year. I am heartbroken.
At 6:56AM Brandon called to talk me off the cliff. Saying he doesn’t care if I have a blog and have friends and read other people and comment and email and meet for lunch. What he does care about is my double standard. If I deem the behavior dangerous for him, then why isn’t it dangerous for me?
I was grasping at straws and told him that if he wanted to trade "dangerous" then I would be the one traveling to Nigeria next time. That was met with a lot of silence and then, a rant about arguing with insanity or something.
So here I am still staring at my delete button.
Could I allow Brandon to spend as much time as I do online? Could I allow him to read and fall in love with other bloggers around the world? (because I love the people I read.) How would I feel if he had to read one more blog and comment his heart out to another person before coming to bed with me? What if he shared our deepest and most personal things online all the time and waited with baited breath for the first comment?
It seems so clear to me. Because in a very small way I have watched him do this. He changes his FB status often and can’t wait to see what people will comment underneath it. I sit next to him rolling my eyes at how lame he is being as he watches for a new person to comment. He gets excited and reads me what they say and I get more annoyed. But Isn’t this the same thing I am doing everyday?
It all boils down to trust and neither one of us has any for each other. This marriage is built on love and fear alone. There is ZERO trust. How could we have ANY?
It seems so clear what I have to do. But when I do it, I will be accused of having a knee jerk reaction and making the biggest mistake EVER. But if I can’t allow him to have the same internet freedom. I sure as hell shouldn’t get to enjoy it.
I am not saying goodbye yet. I am going to wait until Brandon is home and I have had a good nights sleep. I will pray my heart out for peace and hope I find it somewhere along the way. But I know what I have to do and now the impending doom is heavy and thick.
*sigh*