In response to a message asking me if I was mad or upset at her. (This was after we spent the previous weekend hanging out.)
I have written three different drafts about this unnecessary drama in my life, but I can’t seem to get it right. So for lack of a better option, I have copied and pasted the emails here. Names have been removed. I am sad.
To Friend-. August 9, 2009
We are in the inland empire somewhere. Jace just made it to the finals. We are over the moon excited and proud.
Please don’t think I am upset at you ever. I just don’t have a lot of time to be a good friend. I can’t and don’t do needy. So if you need me more than you are getting me you won’t be happy with me.
Have a good week. Love you.
Dear Sandi- August 24, 2009
It’s been bugging me so I need to be upfront with you and let you know that I was hurt by your email…the one where you said, "I don’t do needy…" I really thought that we were friends, no, like family! Sandi, I adore you and your family but totally felt disregarded by your email. More like our friendship was trivialized because I reached out as a friend to you. I’m not sure what you consider needy but with my friends, I am willing to drop all that I have to come to their rescue if that’s what’s needed. I’m willing to be a shoulder to cry on, no matter what time it is. There’s something about knowing that no matter what happens, I’ve got your back and I’d hope the same for me. So, forgive me if I misconstrued that we had that type of friendship. I realize that you have a life and we live a distance but in my opinion, friendship has nothing to do with distance. If there’s a will, there’s a way. So, I guess I do, do needy…in fact, if you’re needy, that’s okay because it may be my turn this week and your turn next week but who’s keeping score?
Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s just the way I see it. I would much rather know that I’m valued as your friend than to be viewed as just one of your blog followers. At least, that’s what I’d hope for in our friendship.
I needed to get that off of my chest. Life is tough enough at times without keeping in crap instead of facing it.
Thanks for letting me be honest.
Love,
Dear Friend- August 24, 2009
First, I am beyond thrilled that you trusted me enough to share this with me. I am sorry you have carried this and that I hurt you.
My first gut is to tell you, I am not the friend you want. But, I hate to tell you that for fear you will feel tossed out. I do not want to hurt you or make you feel like I don’t want you in my life, because I do. But being a friend takes work. It’s like any other relationship, you have to give. In my life, I don’t have a lot to give. What I do have, I give to Brandon and to my kids. I feel spread thin and sometimes needy myself. BUT, I know that friendship is not one-sided. I will not be the friend who calls and needs and wants and then whenever my life is good, ignores your calls and ignores your requests for time. That, to me, is selfish and I can’t do it.
I have loved and enjoyed the friendship we have. I haven’t felt burdened, or like I have burdened you. I felt we had a good thing. A phone call when we both had time, a comment or two on the blog, a g-chat when we had a minute. I loved that you came over with your daughter and spent time with us. But, I loved that you had other readers, other friends, and a life in your town.
So, when out of the blue I get a message that says, "are you mad at me, have I done something wrong?" My first thought was ‘Son of a Bitch, I should have known this was too good to be true.’ I don’t know what you could have possibly done, or how you could have upset me, but that message did. I have had needy friends in the past and they sucked the life out of me. If a day or two went by and I didn’t call them, they would leave the same kind of messages. I can’t take the guilt and the demand from one more person. I learned after my first marriage that the only friend I needed and wanted was the man that I am married too. Everything and every person is second to that. If Brandon ever leaves me, or dies in Nigeria, I will be a VERY lonely person. But I will have ZERO guilt of not spending all of my time and energy on him and our marriage. He is my NUMBER ONE!
Somewhere there is a friend that has the same level of need as I do. It will be a busy mother of lots of kids that can only break free when her husband is out of town. It will be a friend that appreciates the tiny text message or tweet and doesn’t need or expect anymore or think I am mad at her if weeks go by and she hasn’t heard from me. Because she will be as crazy busy as I am and unable to even pull her phone out of her pocket if it rings. She will have the same passionate love affair going on with her man and she won’t think twice about it if I cancel plans with her last minute because it was too hard to leave Brandon.
I hoped you and I could have had a normal adult friendship and hoped that we could learn from each other as we travel the road of loss, divorce, and a fresh start. But I meant it when I said I couldn’t do needy. If you called me tomorrow and said, My mother died, or the kids got in a car crash, or my man just left me, There would not be a thing I could do for you. I couldn’t leave the kids and drive to you because it takes all three of us(mom, dad, and nanny) to do everything that needs to be done around here. I would feel sick and if I could hide in a corner for ten minutes and be a listening ear I would because I love you, but those are the absolute facts that come with being my friend. I am not a good friend because I have VERY little to give. For that I am sorry.
Again, I am so sorry that I can’t be the friend you had hoped for. That being said, I do not think of you as just one of my followers. I think of you as a friend, but that is because I thought we had the same expectations. Distance has nothing to do with it. I hope I proved that to you by driving to meet you half way. I hope that the clothes I purchased for your little one were not something you think I would do for all of my readers. I hope that you know I truly do care about you and what you have to say. I just don’t have the time to be the kind of friend that you are looking for. So, if that means I am just one of your readers. I totally understand.
Thoughtfully,
Sandi
She hasn’t responded to me. She has blogged about it and I apologized in her comments. She tweeted about it, I replied with an apology. I feel terrible I have hurt someone. But I am at a loss. What do I do?
Usually I try to read the previous comments so I don’t duplicate, but I’m short on time… so forgive me if I’m saying something already said.
Let it go. You and she obviously had (have) two different expectations of friendship. It sucks, since you obviously clicked.
I tend to get defensive/irritated when someone says/texts/emails me out of the blue “are you mad at me?” – because to me, that implies that I’m somehow slighting them, letting them down, or doing something else hurtful. I’d probably respond in much the same way you did, though since I’m not nearly as blunt as you, probably would have skipped “needy” which seems to be the trigger word here
I would LOVE to be the friend that could drop anything to be there for another – but my life just does NOT allow that. The friends that remain in my life, are the ones that understand that. The ones that DON’T get angry when I cancel at the last minute because lil guy has decided it’s time for a trip to the ER, or the husband and I neglected to coordinate our schedules, or I just plain forgot about a previous commitment. Instead, they recognize my life for what it is (barely controlled chaos fueled by depression and occasional mania), and are willing to love me and accept me despite the fact that I’m a shitty friend.
I’m lucky enough to HAVE friends like that – that WILL drop everything and inconvenience themselves to help me. But they’re in a position in their life where they CAN do that. I’m not. And they don’t expect me to reciprocate, unless I’m really able to. And I do… when possible. It’s just not often.
A friendship needs to be balanced, it needs to work for both parties. And it seems like this one needs to be relegated to more of an acquaintance/occasional contact friend in order for you both to feel comfortable.
As for your note about “if you haven’t heard back from me in 24 hours, you never will” that’s me to a T. I have blog comments from weeks ago still marked to respond to. It’s on my list… but the mortgage, the bills, the kids, the husband, school, nursing care for lil guy, car trouble, the house… it all has to come before that other stuff, no matter how important those friends are to me.
I hope the two of you can come to an understanding of what each expects, and what each is capable of, and continue a not as intense friendship that will benefit you both.
Okay, I’ll shut up now.
She does sound needy to me.
New friends are great, but there’s just nothing like old friends…. the ones that truly know you and have been there since you peed your pants in third grade…. okay okay.. so I didn’t pee my pants in third grade. *blushes* Only my old friends know for sure. hee hee
Snappy Di
Well looks like the friend drama stirred up lots of emotions & comments. I only read a handful & I guess I feel compelled to leave mine.
I am glad to say that you have been my friend for forever. Granted we have had our “moments” (only a few) but I have ALWAYS known & said out loud to others that NO MATTER WHAT, if I TRULY NEEDED you, you have been & would still be there now. I also THANK GOD this has never been the case. I have been through 2 life changing events here lately & I knew I could call & talk to you….THANK YOU! I don’t think that as being “needy” I consider that “a friend”. I don’t know if u feel the same but u should. I don’t need a daily phone call from my friends to know who they are nor do I want one. Hell who has time for that?! However when a friend calls I know there is a good reason & can’t wait to talk or better, just listen.
I find myself doing things now that you were doing years ago like locking myself in the car or bathroom just to be able to think (& hear) when I need to make a phone call….I only have 6 kids & my life really is crazy right now. I admire you for being able to keep it all together with all of yours & feel good when we r able to have even a 2 minute conversation despite our busy lives…..that revolve around a house full of other people! I think admiring a person for their good qualities while overlooking the faults is what makes friendships. I think old friends are wonderful & I am still planning on lemonade at eighty!
LOVE YOU!
p.s. sorry for the late night comments!
Your honesty is very moving. You are so authentic! I imagine it could be hurtful to be on the receiving end of the msgs you wrote, but since I’m not, I’m just moved by how straightforward you are. That says to me that you respect yourself and the other person.