I had a shitty day yesterday. I feel like after eighteen years of parenting I should be proficient at this. I found out yesterday that I belong in the special ed class of parenting basics.
It started when Bronson got in the car to drive to Kate and Jazzi over to hip hop class. I was sitting in the passenger seat and smelled it the moment he climbed in.
"Why do I smell smoke?"
"You don’t smell smoke, you smell aftershave."
"I’ve never smelled burning aftershave before."
….and then we drove in silence because he knew he was busted and I didn’t want to continue the interrogation in the presence of the little girls. Once they got out of the car, I flipped my lid. He admitted to smoking cigarettes and I was devastated. I NEVER in my wildest dreams would have ever thought that my brilliant, responsible, genius child would EVER choose to do something so stupid! I told him how heartbroken and disappointed I was and that I was going to cry myself to sleep.
I had a horrible evening. I was sick about this discovery. SICK! I replayed every TV commercial I had ever seen over and over in my head. I pictured Bronson squandering his education, bumming money for smokes, losing jobs because of his nasty habit, and finally dying of lung cancer at forty and orphaning his children. He is going to die and it is my job to save him. I am his mother.
I know he is eighteen. I know he is an adult. I also know that I hold all the cards to his future. So last night I decided to make it really simple. Smokes or Tulane? CIgarettes or Cell Phone? I sat here at the computer and did the only thing I know how to do, I made some rules. I typed up a contract that simply stated, NO Drugs or alcohol and your life is cush. If you do drugs or alcohol and that includes cigarettes, you will risk losing everything. Computer, cell phone, financial freedom, paid for college education… You get the picture.
I marched my printed contract into his room and sat my ass down. "Obey and life is great. Break my rules and your life sucks."
His response, "This is RIDICULOUS."
"Why? Why is this ridiculous? I think smoking is ridiculous."
"I am not signing this. I think this is ridiculous."
"WHY? Enlighten me. Debate me. Educate me. I want to hear why this is ridiculous and why you won’t sign it. WHY?"
…and he finally talked to me, and it was good. We had a lovely chat about college and teenagers and parties and shit that kids do that parents probably don’t like. I agreed to ammend the rules to say "no substance abuse, no trouble with the law and still no cigarettes."
He liked it and signed it and I felt great about all of it until I went to bed.
I HATE parenting.
I had Brandon trying to make me feel better by telling me that the life these kids get is a privilege not a right. That a fifty thousand dollar a year education from ninth grade through college is not something that everyone gets and deserves. He feels like we should be able to enforce rules and regulations, regardless of their age, as long as we are providing for them. He doesn’t feel saying ‘no smoking’ is harsh, he feels it is for their own good because smoking is NOT healthy. I agree to a point. Because while he is speaking logic into one ear, I can hear someone else speaking in my other ear. It’s a voice I know too well. I have heard her voice for years. It’s my mother. I hear her telling me, "As long as you live under my roof, you will abide by my rules." I hated her rules. I couldn’t/wouldn’t obey her rules and I moved myself out of her house at seventeen years old. I thought her rules were BULLSHIT!!
What if Bronson thinks my rules are bullshit? What if they are? Most of the rules my mom threw in my face were rules she would never enforce now. Most had to do with going to church, dressing modestly, not swearing, and not having sex with my boyfriends.
My sister Ali, at twenty one, is still living in my mom’s house. She lives there with her boyfriend. My mom also has a live in boyfriend. Mom and Ali both wear short skirts and tank tops. (Those things would have been considered immodest when I was seventeen.) Nobody goes to church and they all swear whenever the hell they want. My point is this, my mom and I do not get along. We rarely see eye to eye on anything. We started butting heads at puberty and have yet to stop. I hated her rules and called bullshit on most of them. I don’t want to be like my mom was to me in the eyes of my kids. She was a fine mother, but ruthless in her rules. I spent most of my teenage life avoiding my mom at all costs. I was hiding, lying, and sneaking constantly. Is this what I want for my kids? NO WAY!
I don’t want to risk an adult relationship with my kids over something that I think is a big deal today. What if tomorrow I don’t give a flying rats ass about smoking?
When do I stop parenting and just let him be who he is? Maybe he is a smoker and I am trying to make him be somebody he isn’t.
I have always tried to let them be who they are and give them the freedom to find their own way. Why is this any different? I don’t want to push my kids away with rules, but I also don’t want to be a bad mother because I am just trying to be their friend and not a parent.
Here I sit. I am at a total loss. I have thirteen more to go.
I am waving my white flag.
I surrender.
Don’t surrender, Sandi, just change tactics! I can’t say that I necessarily agree with you about smoking because I’m a smoker myself, but I have to really think about whether or not I would want my kids to become smokers and I’m pretty sure the answer would be ‘no’.
I think your rules are fair, especially under the circumstances of the amount of financial support you’re able to give your son. After all, it IS because you love him, and not just for the sole purpose of maintaining a dictatorship over him that you even care whether or not he smokes! I think that, when my turns comes around, I’m going to have to be brutally honest with my kids about why I smoke(d), but ultimately let them make their own decision on the matter.
Because the truth is that I don’t feel good about myself being a smoker, and I don’t want my kids to see me doing it and think it’s ok (they have already caught me at a few times, and I know that if I really want to keep them smoke-free, I’m going to have to quit VERY soon. Like, yesterday).
I remember my dad smoking around us all the time when I was a kid, and he didn’t give it a second thought (he even lit up once with my baby in the car!), so when I was a teenager I thought it was totally ok to do it, too.
It’s not just about yourself, as I now realize – if you develop a serious habit, your kids are going to see it someday, too (or in your son’s case, younger sibs), and then you’re going to have to answer tough questions to your kids someday about why it was ok for you, but it’s not ok for them, etc. Maybe it’s a little early for him to be thinking along these lines, but anyway…that’s all I can think of for right now.
I would have flipped out too! I’ll save you a seat in the special ed class!
What a tough day. No wonder I haven’t heard from you!
I would have lost my mind too. There is no good argument *for* smoking.
I think that I’ll have G sign a contract to stay 3 forever.
What? That will TOTALLY work.
Sandi, I don’t know what to tell you about this.
One the one hand I completely and totally agree with Brandon-your house, your money, your rules.
But then having been a teenager-I know that more you protest and holler the more Bronson will dig in his heels-even if he didn’t intend to smoke more than occasionally.
I wish I could make all young people understand the heartache that smoking has caused my family. My great-grandparents who were both just in their sixties died shortly before I was born. Granny to emphysema and Grandpa to throat cancer. These people were in realitively good health other wise and probably would have been around for much of my childhood. I missed them because of smoking.
Their daughter, my grandmother suffered horribly with breast cancer brought on from smoking and I lost her when I was seven. I wish I could impart on Bronson the images of the suffering that my poor grandmother went through. It was horrible and torturous. I made up my mind when I was young that I wouldn’t smoke because I didn’t want to go through that.
Could you call a local hospice and see if you could bring Bronson to visit someone who has lung cancer and would be willing to talk to him? Or maybe a lung doctor?
Hang in there girl! I have been praying for your pack issues and I will be sure to add a special intention for Bronson to quit smoking.
((((HUGS))))
My mom and your mom must have taken parenting classes together.
As to “the rules.” You are paying for Bronson’s education. You have a right to set guidelines, regulations, or whatever you want to call them. Personally, I like “expectations.” You expect him to get decent grades, abstain from chemical use, abide by all laws, etc., etc.
Don’t set it up so he feels he has to sneak anything with you. (I’m sure you understand that!) Tell him what you want from him and find the proper verbiage that he is willing to work with.
And absolutely no smoking in the house, cars, or within eyesight of his siblings! He’s in your house; that’s a rule you can easily expect.
Even if he sneaks, it’s much better that at least you TRIED and reminded him how unhealthy smoking is. Not saying anything at all and just waving the kids-will-be-kids flag is a big no-no to me. He ended up signing it so he agreed to some extent and respected your opinion. Who knows? Maybe he’ll take a few more drags on a cig and stop because of your talk.
Oh boy. I found out Jordan smoked a month after he turned 18. Turns out, he’d been smoking for four years, and I had NO CLUE until I quit in January and started smelling smoke (under the scent of Axe!) on him every time he came home.
Thing is, he’s an adult. He’s graduated from high school, he’s 18 years old, and he’s old enough to serve his country, get married, vote, etc. I can’t stop him from smoking. Yes, I can prohibit it in my house or in my presence. But I can’t monitor him 24 hours a day, nor do I want to. He’s a big boy, he knows the dangers, he knows the expense. His grandmother has lung cancer. He knows it’s not a good thing to do, but like everything else in life, he has to learn from his own mistakes.
You can write up all the contracts you want, but it isn’t going to stop him from doing it. By all means, give him repercussions….if A, then B. If you smoke, I don’t pay for college. But be prepared to follow through with it, otherwise it’s an empty threat. I hope you won’t be disappointed in his choices…
Good luck.
Honey, surrender is NOT an option (unless you like padded walls).
I’m torn on what to say about this. I agree, I remember being a teenager, and feeling that the rules were bullshit – and moving my ass out before my 16th birthday. But I also remember wishing my mother CARED enough to actually enforce those rules, rather than just state them.
Smoking’s a tough one. Because while it may be stupid, it’s not illegal. So you don’t have that to fall back on… but at the same time, YOU are paying for college, so you do have a right to expect certain things in return.
I guess it comes down to how strongly you feel about the smoking – would you really be willing to take everything away from him? I doubt it’s something you’ll change your mind on in a few years, it’s not something that’s going to waver. It’s unhealthy and that’s what concerns you.
But if you do stick to your guns on this one, I think it will be worth it. Take it from someone who is trying to quit smoking at 30, after 17 years. NOW is the time for him to quit. Now that I’ve said that, I’d have to say to push the issue with him. Because right now you DO have some control, some say, in the outcome, and you’ll be giving him some serious motivation to quit.
Man oh man! What a tough situation.
First – I don’t think that it is unreasonable to say while you provide a cush life for him you don’t want to be the one providing the smokes.
He wants to smoke, fine you can’t stop him…you also won’t be providing him with every want and whim.
You don’t have to make it “my way or the highway”.
If he wants to smoke, he is going to smoke. Just like if he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend and you forbade it…he would still have sex with his girlfriend.
I think the issue you had with your mom was the rules were, “it is my way or the highway”. You see and understand that and want something different as far as relationships with your children.
Rules don’t have to be my way or the highway. You can state: If you are going to choose to smoke then I am going to have to cut off money. I will still provide you with food and shelter, I will not provide you with any spending money. I refuse to have my money spent on something that will kill you. You can get a job and pay for them with your own money but I will not be providing you with an allowance any longer.
If you do choose to continue smoking, I ask a few simple respect rules be followed:
A – you don’t smoke when your siblings can see and you don’t talk about how smoking is ok around them
B – you don’t smell like smoke or wear clothes that you have smoked in and then hold the baby…it can lead to infant death and I can’t have you put Ellie at risk. (And honestly Ty shouldn’t even be around it with the Heart issues you have said he has. Make sure to explain that to Bronson while you love him and know you can’t change his decisions, his decisions will affect the interaction he can have with family because smoking does not only affect just him.)
I know that Bronson knows you love him with all your heart and I am soooo sorry that you are going through this. I can’t imagine and am terrified for if the day ever comes that I have to deal with this.
My heart goes out to you and some strong prayers will be said for your and your man child
Girlfriend. We gave Tyrel unmitigated shit about smoking. I couldn’t WAIT until a girl kissed him and told him his mouth tasted horrible. None of that happened, though. The Lord dealt with him about the smoking, and he put it down.
No freaking way could i have engineered that deal.
Rest. You’ve raised him well. He’ll get it soon enough, and he’ll quit. And you’ll e-mail me, laughing all the way. He’s a smart kid, I promise. You’ve done well by him.
I hate the thought of Bronson smoking BUT and it’s a big BUT, he is now accountable for his own actions. You’ve raised him well and he knows how to make good and not so good choices. This may be a time of “trying” it out and it may not mean he’ll stick with it. But, if he chooses to quit, he’s got to quit because he wants to and not because you are telling him not to. If not, he will still do it when he’s away from you. Set rules about him smoking such as: “The money you receive from me will not be used to buy cigarettes. You will not smoke in or around the house or the family at all. You will not smoke in the car. If he breaks the rules, then tougher consequences.
It may mean that he meets a girl that doesn’t like guys that smoke and he quits immediately. I know that TV Boo was like that. She liked a guy but he smoked and she hated even smelling it on his clothes and she told him so.
This is the beginning of letting him fly safely from the nest. But, remember, the more you restrict him, the more he’ll go and try it. Trust the greatness that you’ve instilled in him.
This may be very short lived. If not, start showing him pictures of chewed up, disintegrating lungs of smokers. Those pictures are pretty disgusting.
When you had your discussion, what were his reasons for smoking?
Don’t give up. You are his parent whether he is 8 or 18 – you are still financially supporting him. I think that Tauni has some great suggestions. BTW, he is addicted to smoking? Does he possibly need help to quit?
Good luck!
i have a minute to pop in! parenting in these situations are hard. If it’s your rule and you say no smoking while he’s home then it should be no smoking. But, if he has been smoking since he was in Asheville that’s really a hard habit to stop. (He could at least respect you and not smoke in the home or on the grounds of your home) It makes it more difficult. You are saying no smoking, but also understanding that he is his own person and he will have to smoke not in the house, car or on the grounds. With that said, will you be mad when you see him smoking in the middle of your street? LOL
I didn’t think smoking would be an issue with you because he had a celebration cigar when he graduated.
I feel that if you are going to make a rule and try to enforce a rule then any parent should live by that rule. It was important for your mom to enforce those rules, yet she doesn’t live them now. I don’t see me doing that, ever. I can’t wear tank tops or short skirts or shorts because I live the covenants of my religion, and am temple endowed.
My daughter is a teenager. She is not breaking any rules etc, if she wears short skirts, tanks or a short shorts. She has not made covenants. gRanted I would never want her to wear daisy dukes etc. She is a beautiful young girl and should dress accordingly and not like a 2bit hooker. But, I’m not asking her to wear knee length shorts either.
That to me is not a double standard. I have made certain covenants. But, she has not. As teenagers we ask our youth to dress modestly because it will become easier to transition once we go through the temple. but, it is not a “have” to.
smoking and drinking will always be a NO, in our family. However, smoking and drinking will also be understood that sometimes these things happen and it is only because they are addictive that makes it wrong. But, I understand if they make a choice to do these things. I just hope that they would see to stop. But, I come from a liberal mormon family and one of my brothers and one of my sisters are not active but they still believe in many core principles.
This is the tough part of parenting older children because as they get older their boundaries and worlds become so much bigger…bigger then our arms can keep them in. It is part of the letting go and watching them make decisions that we don’t agree with. It’s watching them fall but being there to catch them while they are still young enough and in our care.It’s letting them step outside of the box.
This is the time,in which, what we as parents, have taught them in our words and our actions, will be tested. This is the time, that they will question what we have taught them, what other outside influences have taught them and then they will be learning how to decide what the truth is.
This has nothing to do with your parenting Sandi. It has everything to do with him expressing his independence from you. While smoking is not a good choice for him to be making it does not dismiss all his good. Good kids, just like good people make stupid bad choices. And it’s never too late to make better choices.
Right now, communication is key. It’s vital that you and Bronson keep talking and listening to one another. Often times a mistake many of us parents make is not really listening to our kids…especially our older kids.
We cannot control our kids into behaving like robots no matter how much we want to protect them. The more we try to control the more they will resist. I am not saying that boundaries and rules aren’t needed. Whatever rules or boundaries we lay down we have to be willing to stand by them. And then we have to have clear consequences that we are willing to stand behind regardless of how tough it gets. Tough love sucks but it is so worth it.
Sandi you are not a bad mother because your son is smoking. Yes, you are still his mother but he’s reaching that age where you can no longer control all his choices. You don’t have to enable him to make this choice but you can love him regardless(which I know you do without a doubt).You are getting to the end of his need to be fully parented. He needs your guidance yet at the same time he needs you to start letting go.
As a mom of 5 between the ages of 20-28, I promise you that these bumpy roads get smoother. Yes, most of my kids tried smoking when they were young. They didn’t become smokers. None of them smoke now. Even though I was a smoker(going on 3 months smoke free
I tried to show them how horrible it is and how addicting it is. Even though I didn’t smoke around them very often when they were kids, I think they did see that it wasn’t a good thing. But I did feel guilty and blamed myself for their trying smoking. They tell me, they would have tried it anyways.
With everything they chose and all the times they went against what I taught them and made me want to lock them in their rooms at times…I had to let go and let them make their way. I let them fall. I let them feel the consequences. They learned…sometimes the hard way. Today, they are strong, independent, happy, sucessfull and loving adults.
Keep talking with your boy. Keep being his soft place to come to. Hugs, Lori
Sandy You did the best that you could have done. I am impressed with your ability to critically think through this situation. You are the best. Love you!!!
I faced the same thing with 2 out of 3 of my kids. My daughter started smoking secretly at 13 and today at the age of 22 is sorry she ever started. My son of 19 also smokes and ironically my daughter was more disappointed in him than I was. I have always told my kids that from the ages of 13 until 19 they are in training to be adults and that decisions like starting smoking are going to affect them forever. I gave them all sorts of information about the dangers of smoking and let them know my feelings about smoking – as a non-smoker (still do!) but then I had to admit that they had to make their own decisions about it. I have to let them make their own mistakes. My mom tried to control every aspect of her childrens’ lives and fell out majorly with my younger sister who eventually left home to live with a boyfriend just after graduating school. You do have to weigh up controlling every decision your child makes against maintaining a good relationship with the child. If your child decides to carry on smoking are you going to: withdraw all support and take him out of school? Sometimes we just have to step back and let out kids grow up.
My daughter started smoking at 15 and I didnt know for a long time but she got addicted and it continued on and off for a few years until she left university. I was like you and kept telling her no. None of it worked. I think my resistance made her all the more determined.
So I accepted it (as long as it was never in our house) and changed tact. I appealed to her intellect and ego. It worked. I would comment on a heavy smokers wrinkled and sallow skin, bad teeth etc. I would leave a magazine or two lying around the place with articles about the effects of smoking on health.
I also made her buy them herself.
She finally saw the light and gave up. I am just glad she was never into drugs or alcohol like many her age. It always can be worse.
When I left home and went to college I tried cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. It was a standard part of college life. All of us survived and my parents never knew a thing.
I think all you can do is know that you have raised him to be a very sensible and loving young guy and he is now an adult.
Trying things, bending rules, pushing boundaries and your parent’s buttons is a normal part of being an adult. So react perhaps in a way he doesnt expect (oh i wish I could do over things from my daughters teenage years…).
I dont think its a matter of surrendering but acknowledging that he is an adult now. Tell him you trust him and trust him to make his own fully informed decisions. Then it’s up to him.
In this way he will be willing to share with you about other things too. Plus its got to be harder on him – he has to go through all these things first being the eldest! He is breaking you in for all his brothers and sisters, lol!
Good luck. It is tough. You are a great Mom. He knows it and he will come out the other side on your side. I am positive!!
I have teenage boys. Well, an 18 year old and a 26 year old who acts like a teenager. And who is now hvaing negative effects on the 18 year old. We are in the process of evicting the 26 year old. He has long outworn his ‘emergency’ stay. I am sick and tired of it. At this point I don’t even care if he hates me anymore. I work hard dammit and I am old and this is my house. I can enforce you-must-wear-pink-ballet-slippers if I want to! It’s MY HOUSE!!! If he doesn’t want to live with a crazy lady he needs to move. He wanted to put a tent out on the ‘back 40′ and I told him as soon as he could pay my property taxes, he’s welcome to it. Sheesh.
I am so over it. I feel your pain. I HATE being the parent/police. sigh.
I’m ranting in response to your rant. heh.
Good Luck! I know one of our other dear friends has had this same struggle, call her, maybe she can help! I say legal age to buy cigarettes is 19 so push your rules until then? Once he is of legal age then I think you have no say. Harsh.
Oh boy. That sucks donkey balls. I think you’re being more than reasonable, considering all that you’re doing for Bronson.
It’s so hard raising teenagers. Especially when we’ve been there, and we remember how we ourselves thought we knew it all. All we can do as parents, is instill the good things in our children, and pray to God that they will choose the best paths for themselves.
I’m the type of parent that tries to simply pick my battles, day by day. I always end up looking at things like this, and thinking it could be worse. It could be crack he’s smoking. Sorry, I know that’s not funny. But if I didn’t minimize some things, I’d go nuts. xox A
Sandi, go to the closest bar, ask to borrow an ashtray from last night- unwashed- and rush home with it. Have Bronson close his eyes and stick out his tongue. After he licks the ashtray tell him that is what every girl will think his kisses taste like from now on if he smokes. Gross I know, but it brings the point out real quick!!
Seriously though, my daughter thought is was cool to smoke and hide it from me. When I found out I threw a fit, screamed and yelled and it did nothing. Finally I gave up and it was no longer any fun for her because she wasn’t “getting away” with anything and she quit on her own. Hopefully it is just a “James Dean” phase and he will get over it soon. Otherwise he will be like my husband- quit 17 years ago and started again 6 months ago and still thinks he is hiding it- I think not!!
You’ve got tons of advice in the comments section, so I won’t offer any.
But I will send you a *hug* knowing sort of how you feel. I found my MOTHER smoking again after 12 years smoke-free. I was heart broken. I cried, told her how disapointed I was in her. She cried. I hate smoking and couldn’t believe she had started up again.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this….
Smoking is stupid. Period. He knows it already. He can stop for you, but hopefully will stop for himself -Is he hooked already or is he experimenting?
Love the contract and I totally agree. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Hang in there – he’ll do the right thing.
I think you are an amazing parent. While you have convictions you stand by you’re also empathetic to other people’s feelings or thoughts on life. I commend you for that!
I won’t try to tell you what you “should” do. It’s not my place. My opinions are mine and mine alone.
The only thing I will say is this- you are a rockin’ parent and all your kids are so lucky to have you!
You are so real. You show your vulnerabilities and your weaknesses. That my friend, says so much about you.
You will figure this out- and you and your kids will be ok no matter what conclusion you all come to.
((hugs))
I haven’t read your blog enough to know if he is away at college yet or still at home in his senior year of HS. If it’s HS then hell no, you throw down the law.
If he’s in college. You have to allow him to make adult choices. These next four years (or however long he continues his education) is all about learning how to be an adult and what choices are good and bad.
I smoked when I was young (I’m 30 now) and quit after a few years. Both of my brothers are in the music industry and did not start smoking until they became musicians. If he is in college and going to shows or hanging out with kids who do, it’s normal to smoke. There is no pressure to do it, it just seems to happen. I bet I can even name the brand he smokes lol.
The thing that is awful is that all the bands my brothers tour or travel or work with, all smoke. The other thing is that they all are in their upper twenties and HATE that they started it in the first place. It was around 18-19 when they all started. It’s so hard to quit.
I’m rambling, but my friends (and myself) who got married and had children and my brothers friends who had children, all worked hard to quit once that happened. So, there is the upside to that. It seems today, in most middle-class circles anyway (I know that sounds terribly elitist and it is to be honest), it’s not ok to be a middle-to-upper class parent and be a smoker. It’s just not ok in these circles anymore. I am assuming as a Tulane grad someday, he will be comfortable. It won’t fly to also be a regular smoker. So, give him a few years and I bet you he quits (not easily though)
Don't surrender because you are RIGHT!!
When I started smoking at around age 15 it was cool… Parents had no problem with it as it was yet to
be recognized as the health whore it was. Meanwhile one of my best friends mothers was adamant her daughter
did not smoke. Clipped negative articles from papers, magazines..
And you know what? I ENVIED her as her parents did their research and cared enough to make it STOP! She never did start smoking seriously yet I continued to do so for another 10 harmful years.
I am sure your son realizes you laid out your laws as you love him. And want him around for a long time. Good for you Mom.